The Promise
by Cinty
Summary: Silence filled the air for a moment. Two shots were fired. And then her screaming filled the silence.
1. Chapter 1

So I wrote this a long time ago - but something about this one still needs to be finished. I've been rewriting it over - adding things I felt like it was missing. Would love some feedback. This is a pretty dark one...

**  
 **Now**

She'd wanted to make him mad. But she was unprepared for the hatred she saw in his eyes.

"I loved you," she said softly.

He pulled her close to inhale the scent of her hair one last time.

"I love you," he whispered.

"Still?"

"Forever."

As he pulled away from her, she raised her eyes to meet his. And that's when she knew.

Silence filled the air for a moment. Two shots were fired. And then her screaming filled the silence.

 **Then**

 **May 1999**

"Pacey, what are you doing here? With... Are those books?" Joey asked as he handed him his menu.

"Begging you for some help? My dad said if I don't get above a C on the science final he's sending me to military school"

Joey shook her head "I don't know Pace, between working here and school I don't have a whole lot of extra time "

"I forgot to mention my dad is willing to pay 20$ an hour for your tutoring services." He said grinning at her.

"We'll that's a different story. It's a little late in the school year for him to threaten military school isn't it?"

"Well" Pacey said sheepishly "he came home early to yell at me about a call from Mr poison and caught me having sex... And drinking his beer."

"Haha wow Pacey, you don't know how to screw up like a normal person do you?"

He grabbed her hands "Please Jo, can you help me?"

She sighed. "Yes, but keep those hands off me! I just found out where they've been!" He let go of her, winking as he did.

"Pacey don't make me regret agreeing to this. My shift is over in an hour. I can sit with you for an hour if you drive me home after"

"Deal"

"So am I dropping you at Dawson's or your house?" Pacey asked as they turned onto her street.

"Dawson's. My dad has disappeared again which means he's broken parole and only a matter of time before he's back in jail. The Learys have temporary custody again"

He pulled into the driveway and put the car in park. "Why didn't you say anything Jo?"

She shrugged awkwardly. "That's not really the friendship you and I have anymore. It used to be the 3 of us were always together. Then you discovered girls. Pacey this has been the first time we've really talked in months"

"Shit Joey, I'm sorry. I guess I have been a little distracted lately."

"It's okay," she said opening the car door. He opened his and walked around back and pulled her bike out of his trunk.

"So what else is going on? You still got the hots for our boy Dawson? You guys married with two kids yet?"

Joey laughed as he placed her bike against the side of Dawson's house. "Yes still have the hots. Still trapped in the friend zone. Any tips, since you are obviously more skilled at this than me?"

He hesitated for a moment and then reached out and touched her arm. His hand was warm and the warmth radiated the length of her arm. "Don't take this the wrong way, but Jo, you gotta quit dressing like a dude. This," he said tugging on her shirt for a moment before he placed his hand back on her arm. "The baggy tshirts, jeans that are 2 sizes too big for you. They are doing nothing for your sex appeal. You used to dress in those cute tank tops and skirts. Now, you see, I have an imagination," he paused as he dramatically scanned the length of her body "so I know what you have under there, but our man Dawson may need a bit of help."

"Pacey!" Joey laughed as she swatted his hand away. Aware of how much she'd enjoyed having that hand on her. "So I need to slut it up a bit? That's your advice?"

"Remind the guy you are a woman and let him know you are interested. He'd be crazy to not be interested. And Joey?"

She looked up at him as he slowly reached out and touched her face. And then even slower he leaned in to kiss her. Just as his lips brushed hers she gasped and took a step back.

"Pacey?" She studied his eyes carefully, trying to interpret what just happened.

"Gosh Jo, for a second there I thought you weren't going to stop me!"

"What?" Joey asked, her voice suddenly several octaves higher.

"Dawson is watching from his window. If this doesn't light a fire under his ass I don't know what will. You might want to slap me for dramatic effect" he said grinning at her.

Joey struggled to process the information as she raised her hand and lightly slapped him. "That wasn't quite as much fun as I thought it would be. Thanks I guess," she said slowly.

"Are you mad at me?" He asked as he studied her. Her eyes looked hurt.

She shook her head. "See you tomorrow for our study date. I expect you to have done all of your tasks. And Pacey," she paused for a moment as she turned towards the door. "I almost didn't stop you."

Joey entered the room the Learys had designated as her room, despite the fact that she slept in Dawson's bed every night. It's something they had done since they were kids. The Learys had been her temporary guardians half her sophomore year after her father was arrested. And for the past month since her father disappeared they has resumed custody again.

Joey scanned her closet looking for something pacey would deem appropriate for seducing Dawson. Just the thought of Pacey made her heart race. She couldn't believe he tried to kiss her. Or even worse that she almost let him!

She settled on a tank top and shorts. Nothing sexy but considerably more skin than she normally showed. She felt a little shy and nervous as she entered Dawson's room.

She felt his eyes on her as she hopped on his bed. "Hey!"

"Late night at the Icehouse huh?" Dawson asked as she reclined next to him.

"I stayed late to tutor Pacey" she said keeping her eyes focused on the tv.

"Yeah um... Speaking of pacey... Did I see him just try to kiss you?" Dawson asked, attempting to keep his tone light.

"I think it was a piss poor attempt at making you jealous" she said softly as she turned to face him.

"Leave it to Pacey. It worked," he said shaking his head as he smiled.

"What do you mean?" She asked as he moved closer to her on the bed.

"I know that you've had... Feelings as of late. And I just, I mean I want to marry you some day. You are everything I want in my future. I just don't want to start things too soon." He reached out and took her hands. "When I saw Pacey out there with his hands on you, something in me just snapped. Like that is my Joey, you can't have her"

And then Dawson leaned in and kissed her. Hesitantly at first and then as he relaxed he began to sloppily probe her mouth with his tongue. She felt panic rising as he deepened his kiss. Something didn't feel right. She pushed those feelings away and continued kissing him.


	2. Chapter 2

Now

"Pacey," Jen whispered. Pacey walked over to her, unable to speak. She wrapped his arms around him as he slowly let the tears out.

"Is there any word?"

"Not yet."

"Tell me what I heard isn't true," Pacey begged.

"Here's what I know: They were alone at the ruins. They were both shot... and now they're both in the hospital. Do you want to sit?"

Jen and Pacey walked over to the Leery's and sat down without a word. What words were there to say at a time like this? Bessie were sitting near them, her face drained and looking pained.

"Mr. and Mrs. Leery," everyone looked up as a doctor walked into the room. "Come with me."

Mr. and Mrs. Leery stood up and walked over to the doctor. Jen looked over at Pacey, he was shaking. She put her hand on top of his.

"Noooooooo" the scream of Mrs. Leery filled the air.

Then

July 1999

Joey and Dawson exchanged glances as they walked into the party. Neither of them really wanted to be there. They'd been enjoying their own private world for the past month. But it was Jen's birthday.

Joey didn't want to have to answer questions about her and Dawson yet. Was she happy? What is happiness? Settling into a pattern that was completely comfortable?

Something was missing. Intensity? Arousal? She shook her head. She didn't want to question things with Dawson. Dawson was her soul mate; her future.

When they entered the party, everyone was playing seven minutes in heaven. Jen looked up. "It's about time you guys got here!" she added two more names to the hat. Joey sat down and glanced around the circle. Who were all these people? She glanced over at Pacey who shot her a big grin. Joey's face broke into a smile. She glanced at the girl next to Pacey, or more correctly, the girl who was draped all over Pacey. She raised her eyebrows at him.

"Pacey and Joey" Jen called, laughing. "Wow Joey – you're here for five minutes and you're already in the closet with someone!"

Joey nervously got up and followed Pacey into the closet.

"Hey Potter, it's about time I got you alone," Pacey laughed.

The closet was so small; they couldn't help the fact that their bodies were pressed against each other.

"What for?"

"Don't worry. I will try to keep my lips to myself this time. "

"And why is that?" She asked dryly.

"Because you've been distant with me ever since. I'm sorry I pissed you off Jo. Although I would like to add that it got you the results you wanted"

She took a deep breath. "Did you ever stop to wonder why I was pissed,"

"I assumed because I offended you?"

"It's not nice to spend an entire night with a girl, make her think you are attracted to her, and the say haha the joke is on you, this is all for someone else's benefit"

"Wait, back up, you are pissed because I'm not attracted to you?"

"It just wasn't nice, I thought you actually wanted to kiss me" she said softly.

He put his hand on her lower back and pulled her close to him. He leaned down so his lips were near her ear. "Jo, I think you are sexy as hell. I can't remember a time I wasn't attracted to you. And given the opportunity, I would like nothing more than to make love to you until you scream with pleasure" he said softly, his voice husky. She could feel him hard against her. She felt herself pressing her body into him.

He releases her abruptly. "But that isn't the relationship we have, is it?" His voice returned to normal. "You are in love with my best friend. So I'm sorry that my almost kiss made you mad. But you got what you wanted... From both of us. So maybe now things can return to normal?"

"Pacey," she began, almost unable to find her voice.

"Times up kids," Jen said, opening the door. Pacey and Joey both winced at the light of the room.

"Thank god?" Joey said lightly.

"Jen, I was about to score!"

Everyone laughed as Joey sat down next to Dawson. Dawson took her hand as if nothing had changed. But everything had changed.

Now

Bessie sat by Joey's bed. Joey looked so pale. She just wanted to wrap her arms around Joey and tell her everything was going to be okay. But it wasn't.

The doctor entered the room and looked at Bessie. "I've gotten the tests back. It looks like she's going to be okay. But she lost the baby."

"The what?"

Then

Sept 1999

Dawson walked Joey to her locker and kissed her lightly. This was bliss; perfection. What more could someone want out of life? He sighed. Sex.

All summer they'd fought about it. What was the big deal? They knew they'd be together forever. They were in love. They were soul mates. What else did she waiting for? He wanted the lack of sex not to mean anything. To believe what they had was far more valuable than sex.

But he wanted to get laid. And he was starting to feel more antsy and curious by the second. He looked over at Pacey, who was wildly making out with some girl. He hadn't talked to Pacey all summer, but it certainly looked like Pacey was getting more action than him.

He pulled Joey close to him and kissed her deeply.

"Dawson, quit it!" Joey exclaimed pushing him away. "We're at school. Cut the shit!"

Dawson shook his head and walked away without a word. Joey lightly banged her head into her locker and fought off the tears.

"You okay?" Pacey asked walking over to her.

She looked up at him and smiled. "Not as okay as you obviously. Who's the girl?"

Pacey smiled awkwardly. "Mary. She's a freshman. Don't judge"

Joey smiled slightly and nodded. "So... I'm still meeting you today at the icehouse right?"

"I'll be there. Maybe I'll even bring some books."


	3. Chapter 3

Is anyone reading this one? Review if you are!

NOW

Bessie was holding Joey's hand as Pacey entered the room. His eyes were filled with tears. Bessie looked at him.

"Did you know they were going to do this? Were there signs? How could I have missed this?"

Pacey shook his head. There had been signs everywhere. And he'd been too stupid to stop what he should have seen coming.

THEN

December 1999

Joey sat in the bathtub. The tears had finally stopped. The night was supposed to be so incredible: Their winter formal. Only Dawson had once again ruined it by pawing at her. He'd started begging her to do things she didn't want to do; to remove her shirt and let him touch her. But just the thought of his hands on her made her gag. She'd left him in his bedroom, crying that she must not love him, and returned to her empty house.

She picked up her razor. She just wanted to stop hurting. She slowly slid it across her wrist, back and forth until it bled. And for the first time, she stopped hurting.

The next morning she dressed in a long sleeve shirt. Ashamed of what she'd done the night before. Her wrists were aching. Her body was aching. Working her shift at the icehouse was the last place she wanted to be.

"Potter?"

She was either ignoring him, or hadn't heard him. He grabbed her wrist as she walked by. The noise of pain made Pacey quickly release it. Her eyes met his, she looked like a deer caught in headlights. Something compelled him to take her shirt sleeve and raise it past her wrists? He gasped as he saw red lines across them.

"God Jo."

She fell against him and he held her close, lightly stroking her hair.

He kept glancing over at her while he drove. She looked on the verge of tears. He pulled into her driveway.

"So talk Jo."

"What do you want me to say?"

"Were you trying to kill yourself?"

"With a bic razor Pacey, give me a little more credit than that."

"So what's this about Joey" he reached out and pulled her wrist towards him. "Why did you do this to yourself?"

"Do you ever just feel like you can't control anything that's going on in your life?"

"But, your life is perfect."

"Don't presume that you know anything about my life."

"I'm sorry Potter, so talk to me. Since you disappeared into Dawson-land, you've seemed so happy. The two of you have this wonderful thing that the rest of us want."

"What if it's not right? What if he isn't my soul mate?"

"Joey," Pacey reached out and took her hand. "He's your soulmate, everyone can see that."

"Pacey, that night, with you, in the closet, I've never felt like that, with anyone." She slowly brought her eyes up to meet his.

"Joey, I'm the villain in this story. I know that there's something between us. But it's nothing compared to what you have with him. Don't ruin that, for some passing attraction."

"How do you know what he and I have Pacey?" she was so close to him. "Or what I feel for you?"

"Joey…"

She lightly kissed him. He hesitated for a second and then returned her kiss.

"Jo – you don't want to do this, I'm the villain."

"So be the villain." She smiled up at him. He wanted to push her away. He wanted to tell her that it wasn't right. He wanted to tell her that he loved her. But instead he allowed her to kiss him.

NOW

"Pacey, maybe you should go. I don't know what happen between you two, but I know she was upset. Maybe you shouldn't be here when she wakes up"

"Bessie, I do know what happen between you two. And I'm not leaving."

"She told you?"

"She told me everything."

Then

December 1999

Pacey paused on his way to the fridge, spotting Joey laying under the Christmas tree staring at the lights.

"Potter, what are you doing up?"

She sat up so quickly she hit the tree with her head.

"God Pacey. You've had no problem avoiding me for the last month. Why stop?"

"Come on Jo, you know I hate this as much as you do. I don't want things to be awkward between us. Since we're all in the same house tonight, don't you think you could find some forgiveness for me?"

"You didn't have to come Pacey."

"Jo, I'm here for the same reason you're here. It's nice to pretend you have a family around Christmas. Come on Joey, can't we be friends again?"

"Fine, whatever."

He slowly reached out to take her arm. He pushed up the long sleeve shirt she was wearing and looked at her wrists. The marks were fresh, and deeper than before.

"Pacey…" she had no words to explain her actions. They heard a noise from upstairs.

"Let's go for a walk." He picked up her jacket and tossed it at her. They walked silently out of the door and through the snow.

"Talk to me Joey. Why are you doing this to yourself? Has he noticed?"

"He doesn't notice anything. He only sees what he wants to see."

"And are you trying to force him to see something else?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why did you kiss me?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"What kind of answer is that?"

"I wasn't using you, if that's what you were thinking. That had nothing to do with anything else. That was the first normal feeling I've felt in so long."

"Potter, I want to help. The last thing you need is me confusing things. I know I handled things wrong. I just… I don't want to be the bad guy. He's my best friend. He's my brother."

"I know Pacey, and he's those things to me too. Which is the problem." She sat down on a bench, and Pacey sat next to her.

"We're not having sex."

As she spoke Pacey could hear Dawson's words echoing in his head.

 _She's so incredible; we just go at it for hours. She loves it on top. Is sex supposed to be this addictive because she and I can't stop? I got laid last night._

"You're what?"

"Did he say otherwise?"

 _Joey kept me up all night. Do girls always want it this much?_

"Um… I thought he'd implied that you two were, but I could be wrong."

"I can't do it Pacey. Not with him. I don't love him like that." Her words became sobs as he took her into his arms.

"Jo, I'm so sorry."

She looked up at him and kissed him. This time he didn't hesitate. He was in love with her. And she was lonely. And maybe, whatever she was willing to offer, would be enough.

He walked her back to Dawson's and tucked her in on the couch. She closed her eyes as Pacey lightly rubbed her arm. He stood watching her after she fell asleep. Why was she doing this to herself? Why was she pushing Dawson away? She obviously belonged with him. She belonged there; at the Leery's. They were her family. He didn't belong there, maybe he never had. But tonight, he was staying.

"Jo!" she woke up with a start. It was Dawson.

"You never came to bed last night! I woke up and you weren't there. It doesn't seem like Christmas morning without you waking up in my bed! Here's your present."

He placed a small box in her hand. She opened the box cautiously.

"It's a promise ring. My promise to you, that we will be together forever. Joey, I know you are the one. And as soon as we graduate, I want to get married."

She slid the ring on her finger. And kissed him lightly. If only, just once, it could feel the way it did when she kissed Pacey.

"Get a room!"

"Morning Pace! Leave it to you to spoil the moment."

Pacey met Joey's eyes as she held out her hand for him to see the ring.

"Sorry D'man I'm hungry. You're supposed to tell your best friend when you do something like this. What exactly does the ring mean?" his tone was light, the looks he was giving Joey weren't.

"It's a promise ring Pacey." Dawson offered, as if that would explain everything.

After breakfast, they exchanged presents. At the end of the exchange, Dawson's parents excused themselves into the kitchen. Pacey turned to Joey and handed her a present.

"This is from me."

"I um… "

"That's okay Potter, I just wanted to get you something."

She slowly tore into the wrapping paper. It was a journal, with a thick leather cover, and a lock. She opened the journal.

 _Potter – I don't know what's going on. But I know you need to get it out. So until you're ready to talk, write. But someday I hope that you'll be able to share the contents of this with me. Love Pacey_

She smiled at Pacey. "Thanks Pace."

"You got her a diary? What is she, ten?" Dawson laughed. Joey glared at Dawson.

"Thank you Pacey, it's perfect."

She looked down at the ring, and then the journal. Why was it that her "soul mate" had no clue what she needed, and Pacey knew exactly?


	4. Chapter 4

I've got a couple followers on this one - so I'll add an update. Please review if you want more!

 _ **Then**_

 _January 2000_

"Hey Pace, where ya been?"

He stared at Dawson, wishing: wishing that Joey hadn't told him the truth; wishing that she hadn't kissed him, wishing that he wasn't in love with his best friends soul mate.

"I've been around."

"Man, that promise ring. I think it changed everything. God she was so hot that night I gave it to her."

Had his lies always sounded so forced? They hadn't spoken in days, and the first thing out of his mouth was sex with Joey? "Look Dawson, she told me."

"Told you what?" Dawson asked.

"That you two aren't."

"She what?" he asked, his draw dropping slightly

"It came up."

"How does something like that 'come up'?" he asked angrily.

"Listen Dawson, if there's anyone that should be mad, it should be her because you lied about what the two of you were doing, or me because you lied to me." As the words fell from his lips, he pictured himself kissing Joey. "I'm late for class, we can finish this later."

Pacey waited all day for Joey to confront him for telling Dawson. He waited all night for her to call. What he wasn't waiting for, was her knocking on his window at one in the morning.

He groggily opened his window. "Potter?"

"Sorry, Pace, I know this is the last place I should be. I just needed to get away from Dawson"

"What's wrong with sleeping in your own bed for once?"

Her eyes clouded. He sighed. "Come on in."

She looked him up and down. He was dressed in nothing but boxer shorts. She tried to keep her eyes from his chest, but she couldn't.

"Nice boxers. Is it cool if I sleep here?"

"Yeah, let me just put a shirt on."

"You don't have to." She felt her heart racing as she smiled seductively at him. What was she doing?

"Let me get you something to sleep in." He stood up quickly, rushing across the room as he tried to hide his arousal.

He tossed her a pair of boxers and a t-shirt and crawled under his covers. She gave him a pointed look, until he realized he was supposed to look away. He turned away with a smile on his face. She crawled into bed and slid her arm across his chest.

"You can look now."

"What makes you think I'd want to do that?" he asked as he turned towards her. She slowly ran her hand up his arm.

"I don't know." Her hand moved onto his chest, and then slowly lower. He didn't know what she was up to. She didn't feel even one shred of what he felt for her, he knew that much. He wanted her to leave, he needed her to leave.

He put his hand on hers, stopping it from moving. "I don't know what you're up to. But if you think something is going to happen here, we need to set some ground rules. And I'd like to go on record that I think this is a terrible idea. If you were smart, you'd head back to your boyfriends bed and leave me the hell alone."

"What if I don't want to leave you alone," her voice was quiet and hurt.

"Fine, than the rules. First, I am not your boyfriend. I am never going to be your boyfriend. We are not going to fall in love here."

"Second," he began reaching for her wrist. "This shit stops. And it stops now. And I'm serious Jo. If I see that you've done it again – I'm going to tell someone. Because the thought of you hurting yourself scares the shit out of me. I'm worried you could really hurt yourself."

"Third, we are friends. That's all we are. Whatever happens at night has nothing to do with what happens during the day. This means nothing. And that friendship you and I have, it's important to me. And I don't want this to fuck that up."

"Fourth – no Dawson in the bedroom. I don't want to know what you two are doing. If you need a friend, I'm here, but please, keep him out of it."

"Fifth – no jealousy. No commitments. If one of us wants to end it – it's over, no questions asked. It's just sex. This means nothing."

Joey looked at him, her eyes glistening with tears. "If that's the way you want it."

"That's the way it is Jo." His eyes looked so cold, distant.

"Pacey, I… I wasn't looking for sex. I'm not ready, at all..."

His eyes softened. "I know Potter, and we'll take it as slow as you want it." He tried to drive away the continuous thoughts running through his head I'm the villain. She's using me. She'll never love me the way she loves him. He kissed her hard. He took his hand and slid it under her shirt, and grabbed her breast a little roughly. He pulled back to make sure he hadn't hurt her. He wasn't sure what he expected to find in her eyes, but it certainly wasn't fear.

"What the hell?"

"What?" she asked, averting her eyes from his.

"Are you on some mission to lose your virginity? What the hell is this for you? If you're not into it, stop me. Why do you look so scared?"

She met his eyes, and he knew. He pulled her into his arms. "Who hurt you Jo?" he asked softly.

And in that moment, "This" meant everything.


	5. Chapter 5

Thanks to anyone who has taken the time to review! Please keep them coming if you want more.

Note: This chapter definitely deals with some intense subject matter.

 **Now**

Pacey stumbled down the stairs. He felt like he hadn't slept at all. He walked into the kitchen and grabbed a beer on his way to the couch.

"Pacey." Pacey looked up and noticed his father standing in the doorway.

"Dad.. I um…"

"You want to grab me one too?"

Pacey smiled weakly at his dad and grabbed a second one. He opened a beer and handed it to his father, and then opened his and took a long gulp.

"I'm glad you got some sleep. So what's the word?"

"She hasn't woken up yet. And Dawson isn't going to make it."

"Shit Pacey. Is there anything you need?"

Pacey didn't answer. His dad tossed a package onto the kitchen table. "This came for you today. I'm going to pretend I didn't see this, because if I were to see it, I would have to confiscate it and bring it into the station."

Pacey looked at the return address. Joey Potter. "Thanks dad. I'm going to take this up to my room."

Pacey sat on his bed and tore open the package; it was the diary. He slowly caressed the cover. She'd really meant to kill herself. That's the only reason she would have given this to him now, like this. He opened the diary to the first page.

He read what he written to her. God it all seemed so long ago.

 _Pacey, I don't know where the quote, 'the truth will set you free' came from, and I don't even know if I believe it. But I know when you get this, I'll already be free, and you'll be left wondering. And I can't even tell if you'll care or not. Because I'm pretty sure you stopped caring a long time ago, if you ever did… but here is the truth - for what it's worth_

He closed his eyes. Not sure if he could handle the diary's contents. He slowly turned the page.

 _I'm so in love with him that it hurts. I never knew love was supposed to feel this way._ He closed the diary. He couldn't read this now.

The phone rang, Pacey jumped to answer it.

"Pacey, it's Bessie. Nothing's changed. The doctor called though, and thought that we should come down and try talking to her. And since maybe my voice isn't the voice she wants to hear..."

"I'll be there. For her" he hung up the phone. He didn't want to tell her that her voice was probably the last voice Joey wanted to hear. Or that he was a close second for that title.

 **Then**

 **February 2000**

'Why are you hiding over here? You okay Jo? Do you want to leave?" Jen asked handing her friend a drink.

Joey sank back into the couch, the loud music and lights causing her to wince. "Nothing more alcohol can't fix. Jen I just… Dawson's stressing me out. How many times does a girl need to say no before he'll listen?"

Jen took a long drink as she stared out at the mass of people dancing in the small club. "Maybe it's time to end it kiddo? Put these fab fake IDs you got us to good use and go pick up some hot older men?"

"Yes because an older guy would be much more understanding about my aversion to sex? Why can't I get out of my head? Why am I turning this into such an issue?" Joey felt the panic rising in her voice as she spoke. She wanted to tell Jen the real reason for the stress. About Bodie, about Pacey, and his rules, and his lips...

Jen grinned as she reached into her purse and pulled out a small prescription bottle. "Here, take two of these," she said tipping two into her hand and passing them over to Joey. Joey swallowed them, a slight grin on her face as she did.

"You don't even want to know what they are?" Jen asked, surprised at Joey's lack of concern.

Joey shrugged. "I trust you."

Jen handed the bottle over to Joey. "Keep it, you obviously need these more than me. Now let's go dance."

Pacey returned from his bathroom to find Joey sitting Indian style on his bed. She was wearing a long skirt and a tank-top. His heart skipped a beat as his eyes went to her wrists – maybe she'd stopped, maybe…. Her wrists were covered with bracelets. She was wearing dark colored lipstick, and thick eye makeup. He could smell the liquor on her breathe from across the room. He wanted to ask her where she'd been. Why she hadn't come into his room in over a month. He couldn't. He sat down on the edge of the bed. She slowly raised her eyes to meet his.

"It was Bodie."

"What?"

"You asked me a question. That's the answer."

"When did I ask you a que…. It was Bodie? As in your sister's boyfriend?"

She took a deep breath, her body trembling.

His mind was reeling. Bodie?

"I was so fucking stupid. I should have seen it coming. I let it come. I didn't know. I was just a kid."

"Joey, you don't have to…"

"I need to. Let me tell you. I don't even know when it started. He took me shopping for bathing-suits and made me model every bikini I tried on. He walked in on me in the shower. I didn't even think about it. I didn't even think about it the day he pulled me on his lap, and he put his hands up my shirt. He told me how grownup I was getting. I fucking thanked him. Maybe I even liked the attention."

She began taking her nails and running them along the cuts on her wrists under her bracelets. "And then one day, I'd just gotten out of the shower, and he came in my room. He took off my towel. And I was so scared. But I didn't stop him. I didn't move. He put his fingers in me, and it hurt so much. And just when I thought something awful was going to happen to me, we heard the front door. He handed my towel, and licked his fingers and told me I tasted so sweet." she took short breaths as her memories assaulted her. "I tried to tell Bessie, but she refused to hear what I was saying, I had no one else to tell, I knew Dawson would never look at me the same way. And I knew if I told someone, it would ruin Bessie's life. So I just… I changed how I dressed, and I tried to make sure I was never alone with him. But then one day, Bessie must have gone out while I was in the shower. And there he was again, his breath stinking of booze. And I let him push me down onto the bed."

She closed her eyes tightly as she dug her nails harder into her wrist. Pacey reached out and took her hands in his. She kept her eyes closed. "And he put his… he put it in me. And I was crying. And it hurt so bad. I couldn't stop crying enough to get the word _No_ out. I couldn't catch my breath enough to talk, it was just...pain. And that's when Bessie walked in. And she screamed and screamed. And it was all directed at me. She took me and threw me against the wall, and she wouldn't stop screaming. By the time she turned to undoubtedly forgive Bodie, he was gone. She left the room and drove immediately to his apartment, and has barely spoken to me since then. That's when I started spending the night at Dawson's. And 'dressing like a dude' as you so eloquently put it."

"God Jo," he pulled her against him as she finally cried. He ran his fingers through her hair. "Shhhh…" He lightly kissed her on the forehead, and closed his eyes, promising himself he would never let anyone hurt her again.

Joey plastered on a smile as she sat next to Dawson on the couch. "So that was the longest day at school ever."

Dawson grinned at her. "I think you and Jen stayed up way too late at your sleepover last night. You didn't drink last night, did you?"

"Can I have a bite of that chex mix, I'm starving!" she asked reaching her hand across him to grab a handful of the chex mix.

"So what'd you want to watch today?" he asked.

She shrugged her shoulders. "Whatever makes you happy."

"Star Wars it is," he laughed. He hit play button on the remote. He'd already had his choice all set to watch. He placed his arm around her and she sighed against him. She reveled in the feeling of comfort, but her thoughts strayed to Pacey.


	6. Chapter 6

Thanks to anyone who is reading this and especially those who are taking the time to review!

 **Now**

Pacey sat next to her bed. He hated hospitals. Almost as much as she did. He reached out and took her hand. He slowly traced the lines on her wrist.

"I um… got your diary. I couldn't read it yet… God Joey, I hate this shit. Talking, having no clue if you can hear me. Knowing that it's not my voice you want to hear. It's his. Knowing that you were content to let the last words we said to each other be so angry. You must have known what I said was a lie. You must have known I didn't mean it. You must have known I loved you."

He leaned his head on the bed and cried, the last words he said to her echoing in his ears.

 _ **Then**_

 _March 2000_

Bedtime was becoming so predictable. Each night it began with a little kissing. The kissing was okay. It was only when Dawson's hands tried to venture under her shorts or shirt. Then the battle began. Each night it was the same. Each night increased his desperation and her despair.

Joey hesitantly crawled into bed. She'd taken several of Jen's magic pills hoping that maybe it would allow her to give him a little of what he needed. Closing her eyes tightly, she prayed that just once, he would hold her. His hands snaked up around her, as he slowly began kissing her neck. Once again her prayers had not been answered. She felt his hand sneak up the leg of her loose shirts and felt a sense of panic overtake her. "Stop," she said softly, not even sure she said the words out loud.

He slid his her underwear aside as she reached down to pull his hand from her. He held his hand solid and refused to move it.

"Dawson."

He slid his finger slowly into her.

"Dawson stop." She begged, her hand frantically pulling at him. "Stop!"

"Shhhh."

She kicked her legs furiously as she finally landed a kick on his leg.

"Joey what the hell?" he asked, removing his hand from her and putting it to his leg.

"I said stop."

"You say a lot of things. Like that you love me. What are you waiting for? God Joey, anything you want, I'll give it to you."

"I want you to just hold me. Something you're apparently incapable of. I'm going home."

"Joey, wait, please don't go. I didn't mean not to stop. I love you. You know that, don't you?"

"Yeah, I know that. I'll see you tomorrow Dawson."

She wanted to die. She wanted to go to Pacey's. She hadn't been with him alone since that night that she told him. She wanted to go anywhere but to her house.

She crept into her house, feeling like a stranger. The house was empty, as always. Bessie had only returned once to pack up her stuff. The only thing she had to confront was her bed; her bed that she had only slept in a handful of times since Bodie.

She reached into her nightstand and pulled out her razor. She closed her eyes and she pressed down. She rocked back and forth, feeling Dawson's fingers in her, feeling Bodie's fingers in her. Feeling nothing, but the pain from the razor.

 **Now**

The nurse entered the room and cleared her throat. He looked up at her, wiping the tears from his eyes.

"I'm sorry." He said softly.

"You don't need to be sorry. Just keep talking to her. What she needs right now, more than anything, is to hear familiar voices."

"I don't think my voice is the voice I want to hear." He glanced in the direction of the room where Dawson was. And then he started crying. "God I didn't know. I didn't stop it."

 **Then**

 _April 2000_

"Joey?" Pacey called out as he entered the dark house. He flicked the light switch but the light didn't come on.

"Pacey?" she asked, looking confused as she walked into her hallway with a flashlight in her hands.

"You were supposed to tutor me tonight?" he asked cautiously, studying her glazed eyes.

"Shit Pace, I got a little distracted." she said looked around at the dark house. "Electricity was shut off."

"Do you… do you need money or something? Why are you here and not at Dawsons?"

She turned from him and walked into her living room and sat on the couch. He followed her hesitantly, sitting when she patted the seat next to him.

"Okay first, I can not share a bed with Dawson anymore. He's incapable of listening to me when I need him to stop, and obviously that's kinda a deal breaker for me. I've been mostly here on my own for the last couple of weeks. Look, this isn't the first time this has happened. Usually my 'uncle Billy'" Joey paused to use her hands to indicate air quotes "stops by with some cash, but he's late this month."

"Your uncle Billy isn't Billy Connolly who used to hang out with your dad is he?" Pacey asked, a horrified look on his face.

Joey nodded her head in confirmation. "Look Pacey… this is the life I've got. I didn't choose it. It's not ideal, and I need you to promise me you will never tell your dad any of this."

"Shit Jo, what have you gotten yourself into?" he asked.

She shrugged her shoulders and swallowed a sob. He pulled her close to him, holding her as she let the sobs out. She wiped her eyes and looked up at him. "Hey Pace? I didn't like your rules so much."

He sighed. "I didn't like my rules so much either."

She reached her hand out. "Can you stay tonight Pace?"

He knew no good could come from staying. He knew it was wrong, but he allowed her to lead him upstairs.

He hesitantly reached under her shirt, hyper aware of not taking things too far; of not being like every man in her life. She let out a content breath and sat up and removed her shirt.

"Jo, we'll take this as slow as you want," he breathed as she kissed him frantically.

"Do I look like I want to take this slow?" she asked in between kisses. "I want you to touch me."

He watched incredulous as she slid her pants and underwear off. "Jo, I don't know…"

He felt himself losing control of the situation as he caressed her side, slowly running his hands down to her butt. He slowly and gently moved his hand to between her legs as he kissed her, gently cupping her as he listened carefully to her breathing. He took one finger and slowly traced her, feeling her body tense as he did.

"Joey?"he asked, as she looked down at him with sad eyes.

"I want you to, I do… I just… I'm scared it will hurt."

He took a deep breath, and slowly began kissing her stomach, gradually moving his mouth lower as he kissed. He gently and carefully dipped his head between her legs, gently kissing her at first, and then allowing his tongue to explore her.

"Shit Pacey!" she exclaimed as he continued exploring. She shouted out as her orgasm overtook her, yelling his name as she clutched the bed.

He grinned as he slowly kissed his way back up to her mouth. "Jo... are you crying?" He asked as he dropped a kiss on her moist cheek. He pulled away from her, trying to see her face in the dark room.

She answered him with a loud sob.

"Joey, did I? I thought…" he faltered.

"Pacey ... it's a good cry."

"Really Potter, because I've never quite gotten this reaction before?" He said, his tone light.

"I thought, I thought I was broken. I thought I would never feel this way again. I haven't been able to, since… thank you Pacey," she said through sobs.

He pulled her tight, clinging to her as if it would save her.

"Joey," a harsh voice cut across the room, a flashlight in her face.

Joey sat up with a start, slowly registering that she was naked, and that Billy Connolly was standing in her bedroom staring at her.

"Joey, get dressed and come downstairs and talk to me. Tell your gentleman friend to wait here," he said gruffly.

Pacey jumped out of bed on high alert. "Pacey," she said loudly and then lowered her voice. "I need you to be smart here. Please just, do what he asked. Help me find my clothes and then wait here. Please?"

He nodded his head and removed his shirt passing it to her. "He just… walks into your room Jo? He saw you naked!" He said softly, fighting the impulses of anger that were pulsing through his body.

"I need pants," Joey muttered, anxiously searching her dark room for a pair.

"Here - I think this is your robe," he said tossing her something big and fluffy.

"Stay here," she said tightly as she wrapped the robe around her, double knotting the tie at the waist.

He watched as she left the room, and then crept slowly down the stairs, sitting at the bottom where he could hear perfectly.

"Joey," Billy asked as Joey slid into a kitchen chair. "Please tell me that isn't Pacey the sheriff's son up there in your bed?"

Joey shrugged her shoulders. "Yes, but I trust him. He won't say a word to his dad. It's fine."

"It seems like an unnecessary complication Joey. What happened to the dork? Why aren't you at his house?"

Joey again shrugged her shoulders. "Dawson and I are still together, I just needed a break."

Billy laughed. "And you're taking the break with his best friend? I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree after all."

Joey inhaled sharply. "It's not like that, not at all."

"I'm going to keep this between us Joey, I won't tell your dad. Because I know you are going to do the smart thing and go back to staying with the dork. I have no idea who else has eyes on this house, but I'm not the only one with keys."

He pulled out a thick envelope and a paper bag and placed them on the table. "This should be enough for a while. I'll send someone by to pay your electric bill first thing in the morning. There's some goodies in the bag, enjoy them."

He stood up. "Pacey?" He called, poking his head out of the kitchen and into the darkened stairwell. "I'd like to have a chat with you." He turned back to Joey. "Give me a hug and then go back upstairs, I want you back at the dork's tomorrow, understand?"

She nodded her head mutely, and hesitantly stepped forward and hugged him lightly. Billy lingered in the hug for a moment or two. "You're growing up into a beautiful woman Joey, you need to be more careful."

She stepped away from him as he released her and she took a deep breath as she turned to the stairs. "Please, be smart," she begged under her breath as she passed Pacey in the stairs.

"Come out back with me, I don't think we need any more eavesdropping, do we?"

Pacey followed him out the back steps into the backyard. "I remember you, ya know? From various bbqs over the year. In fact, Joey's mom and I had a bet about who Joey would end up with. You were my bet. I saw the way you would tease that girl incessantly. So, I could make some threats right now, about you keeping your mouth shut or else. Or I can count on the fact you love her, and that you will keep my presence to yourself."

Pacey nodded his head. "I just want what's best for her."

"What's best for her, is for you to keep your mouth shut. She needs to go back to Dawson's house where she is safe. Not everyone Joey's dad is associated with would show the same restraint when greeted with the sight I stumbled on."

"I understand," Pacey said slowly, trying his hardest to keep his hands from forming fists.

"Also, Pacey. I need to know that when she breaks your heart, and she will break your heart, you will do the right thing and keep this all quiet. The only other option for her until she's 18 is the foster system. And even after that, her dad's money for her… It comes with me. Like it or not, she needs me. She's grown up beautiful. You're a lucky man," Billy said, his eyes challenging. "See you around Pacey, but hopefully not around here."

Pacey crept into her bed. She was crying softly. He tightly wrapped his arms around her. "He's right Joey, you need to go back to Dawson's. I can't protect you here."

She didn't bother to answer him; she knew she had just lost her voice.


	7. Chapter 7

Please review if you want more!

Now

"You got a delivery," a voice said filling the room. Joey didn't acknowledge the delivery person as he placed the flowers on the side table next to her. "Feel better."

Joey waited until he left the room before looking to the card. "Wish you'd filled me in on your plans for the item I got you. Keep my name out of it. I'm sorry you felt this was the only option. And I'm sorry if I took advantage of whatever desperation you were feeling - B"

Joey took the note and crumpled it up as tightly as she could. She then unfolded it and ripped it into little tiny pieces until she couldn't see any of his words anymore. If only she could do the same to her memory.

May 2000

"Pacey!" Joey exclaimed as she struggled with his window. He walked over to the window and helped her push it all the way up.

She fell through the window, laughing as she did so. She stood up as she stumbled, her eyes glassy and unfocused.

"Shit Jo, what are you on?" He asked as he reached a hand out to steady her.

She laughed again, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Joey, I need you to be quiet here. My dad's working but Doug just moved back home for a couple months. He's sleeping a couple of doors down."

"Shhhhh," she enunciated, and then laughed again as if she'd just told the funniest joke.

"Joey, I'm serious here. What are you doing here, and what the fuck are you on?"

"I missed you Pacey," she said taking a step towards him, and placing her hand on his stomach.

"Oh no no," he said pulling away. "I thought we agreed to take a break for a while? And either way, I'm not doing anything with you while you're like this!"

"Like what? Fun? Not worried?" She asked.

He sighed and walked over to his bed. "You're welcome to sleep this off Joey, but nothing, and I mean nothing is happening tonight, understand?"

She seductively moved towards his bed, pushing him on his back and crawling on top of him. "Are you sure about that?" She moved her hand to the top of his boxers and started to reach down them.

He grabbed her wrist to stop her. She inhaled as both of their eyes went to the three scrunchies she had placed on her wrist.

"Get of Jo," he said gruffly. She felt tears as she slid off of him and sat down next to him. He reached to her arm, sliding the scrunchies down her arm to reveal a series of band aids, blood visible through two of them.

She met his eyes. "I'm sorry Pacey… He just… he keeps pressuring me. So I thought, maybe, if I just took enough anxiety medicine I'd be able to get through it. But it just made it worse and he thought I was laughing at him. So I went home, and I… but then I thought maybe I should come here?"

"Where'd you get the pills you took? It's what Billy left you, right?"

She let loose a loud sob, and he hesitantly took her into her arms. He tried to push away the voice in his head that was telling him it was time to tell someone.

88

"Josephine Potter to the office please."

She froze as she heard her name broadcast across her homeroom. Her eyes immediately sought out Paceys. The second she found them, she knew. He had told. She slowly walked to the office, feeling as if her feet weighed a million pounds, feeling as if she was just waiting for her whole world to explode. She was ushered into the guidance counselor's office.

"Josephine, hi I'm Ms. Davies…"

"Joey, the name is Joey."

"Okay Joey, you're here because some of your friends are concerned about you." Ms Davies reached out towards Joey's wrists.

"Don't touch me!" Joey snarled as she pulled her hands behind her back..

Ms. Davies sighed. "I tried to get a hold of your father or sister, but I wasn't able to. I understand the Leery's are your temporary guardians so I called them."

Joey closed her eyes and imagined herself anywhere but where she was.

"If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine. But you're going to have to talk to someone. The school can't just hear a report like this, and not do something about it. The Leery's are going to pick you up from school. I'm going to have you see a doctor first, and then a counselor. Joey, please understand, your friends only did this because they care about you."

"I know exactly who told you. And he is not my friend."

There was a knock on the door. Mr. and Mrs. Leery entered, Mrs. Leery was crying.

She walked over to Joey and enveloped her in a hug.

88

Dawson walked into his room, feeling like a stranger in it. Joey was sitting, her legs crossed, staring at the TV.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, gently sitting down on the bed. He took her arm and pulled up her sleeve and gently touched the red marks on her arm. "Joey, why? Why would you do this? To yourself, to us?"

"I don't know Dawson."

"Is it something I did?"

She shook her head. He leaned back on the bed. "Lay with me?" he asked. She lay against his chest, and for once, he actually held her.

88

Pacey spent the next day at school looking for her. It wasn't until last period that he finally saw her. Her eyes narrowed when she saw him, and started walking away.

"Joey, wait up."

"I'm not talking to you."

"Joey, listen…"

"My fucking guidance counselor, Pacey? Do you know what I have to do now? I have to go see a goddamn counselor every other day after school. Great. As if things aren't bad enough between Bessie and I, now I have to explain why I can't work my shifts? They made me go see a doctor yesterday. Did you honestly think you were making things better?"

Pacey swallowed, his face pained and pale. "I don't know. I've never seen you like you were that night. And your cuts were so deep. Jo, what else was I supposed to do?"

"Try nothing. You know, like what we have."

88

"Hey Joey?"

Joey turned and looked behind her to find one of her classmates Chris Wolf standing behind her. She was pretty sure she'd never said two words to him the entire time they'd been in high school together.

"What's up Chris?" she asked.

"Well I was talking to Jen and she said… hey are you okay?" he asked as he registered her swollen eyes.

"I'm fine," she said roughly. "Let me guess… you want a fake id?"

He nodded his head. "Jen said that you would do it? Two hundred dollars?"

Joey smiled, Jen had added 100$ onto the price. "Yup get me the money and a picture and I can make that happen."

"Thanks Joey. Once I get my ID maybe I can take you out for a drink?"

She found herself nodding her head as he smiled at her.

88

"So where's Pacey today?" Jen asked as she slid her tray next to Joey.

Joey shrugged his shoulders. "Let's just say he's not my favorite person today and leave it at that."

Jen shrugged as she picked up her sandwich. She knew better than to ask more.

"Oh thanks for the business by the way," she grinned.

"No problem, he's cute huh?" Jen teased as Joey blushed slightly.

"I do have a boyfriend, remember?" Joey muttered.

"A boyfriend you don't want to have sex with. Remember?" Jen laughed. "Do you want to talk about the Pacey thing by the way?"

"Nope.. it's nothing. Absolutely nothing."

"Pacey's kinda cute too," Jen mused.

"Huh?" Joey asked, her head shooting up.

"I was just thinking maybe I should see if he wants to go out with me some time?"

"Like… a date?" Joey asked hesitantly, as she momentarily forgot how to breath.

"Relax Jo, I'm kidding. I was just confirming something," Jen offered, a knowing gleam in her eyes.

"Whatever you think you know, you're wrong Jen," Joey snapped.

Jen nodded. "Sure Jo. Although between you and me; the look on your face says otherwise."

88

Pacey nervously entered the Leery house. Dawson was working, and apparently so were Mr. and Mrs. Leery. The house that had been his second home his entire life suddenly felt off limits to him. He slowly walked up to Dawson's room, Joey's room. He knocked and then opened the door. She was sitting on the floor, crying.

"Jo?"

"Didn't I tell you to leave me alone?"

He walked over to her and sat down next to her. "I just want to explain. Do you know how much this kills me? Not knowing how to protect you. I don't want to lose you, I can't lose you."

She looked at him, he had tears in his eyes. "God Jo, what would I do without you?" She leaned against him, letting her tears flow along with his.

" I was scared Jo. I didn't know what else to do. Please don't let this ruin everything. I was only trying to help."

"I know, Pace, I know."

"Listen," he began hesitantly. "I think you need to tell him."

"About us?" Joey asked, a slight spark returning to her eyes and she looked to him.

"No," he said gruffly. "Never about us. There is no us... I think you need to tell him about what happened with Bodie. He'll give you the space you need once he knows. And I think you'll feel better too?"

"I don't think I can Pace, I don't want to be damaged goods to him. I can't see the disappointment in his eyes," she offered, trying to explain the feeling of dread that she had every time she thought about telling him.

"Give the guy a little credit here, he will never see you as damaged goods. Please think about it Jo, I really think it will help."

She nodded her head as he bent over and kissed her on the cheek. "I've got to go before he gets home. I hope… I hope we're okay here?"

She nodded again, afraid if she spoke she would beg him not to leave.

88

"Dawson, hey!" Pacey exclaimed as he closed the front door.

"How is she?"

"Mad."

"You told?" Pacey nodded his head. "How could I not see? How is it that you saw it and I didn't? I feel like the biggest asshole. Here I've been pressuring her for sex, and she's slitting her wrists. Do you see something wrong with this picture?

"Dawson, you didn't see it because she didn't want you to. I'd back off the sex for a while though."

"Yeah I know. Pacey, I'm sorry I lied to you."

"Dawson, we can worry about this anytime. Just go keep her company." Dawson nodded and went inside. Pacey stood outside until he watched Dawson's light go off. Congratulating himself for sending Dawson to her, when he wanted to be with her more than anything.


	8. Chapter 8

**Now**

"Well Potter, the nurse suggested I sing to you. So um... this is all her fault. This will be the one thing out of everything that I hope you won't remember when you wake up."

He reached out and touched her hand softly. Her skin was so soft.

"And yes, my song choice does prove that Doug has made me watch Beaches way too many times." He hesitantly started to sing a very pitchy version of 'Wind Beneath my Wings".

And then she moved. He continued singing, unsure what that meant. And then her eyes opened. He stopped, frozen. Her eyes met his and widened. And then she started screaming.

"Dawson, Dawson!" The nurse and a doctor came rushing in as Joey began trying to get up, still screaming.

Pacey slowly backed out of the room. Of course she wanted Dawson. Of course.

 **Then**  
 _June 2000_

"Tell me I'm not the biggest asshole in the world?"

Pacey jumped when he saw Dawson standing in front of him. "D, what are you doing here? I was just about to leave to go say bye to you."

"I wanted to… are you reading a book?"

"Yeah, just something that tutor Potter tossed my way." Pacey said, looking embarrassed as he put the book on the ground.

"Pacey, you do know that school is over, right?"

"It's just something she thought I should read. Anyways, Dawson, back to you being an asshole."

"You're supposed to tell me I'm not an asshole," he implored

"You're not."

"I feel like I am. I wish… I shoulda been a better boyfriend. She told me some things that made me feel so guilty for all the pressuring I've done."

"Oh good," Pacey breathed, relieved Joey must have told him.

"Huh?" Dawson asked, studying his friend's face. "Did she tell you?"

"What?" Pacey asked carefully. "I don't know what you mean. I'm just glad she's telling you what's going on in that head of hers."

Dawson slowly nodded his head, "Yes she finally is. And I feel terrible just leaving now. But I've been planning on going to film camp all year."

"You can't stand guard over her. You can't put your life on hold."

"You'll look out for her me, right Pace? Tell me that you'll keep an eye on her."

Pacey nodded his head, trying to ignore the guilt that was churning in his stomach as he looked into Dawson's trusting eyes.

"Thanks man. I'll write ya."

And then he was gone, leaving Pacey alone with his guilt.

"Hey Jo," Pacey grinned hesitantly as he walked over to the spot she was sitting on Dawson's porch.

"Hey Pace."

She looked tired, and she'd been crying. He sat down next to her, his arm light touching hers.

"I started that book you loaned me. Pretty good so far."

Joey nodded, keeping her eyes on the ground.

"Jo, it's just a couple months, then he'll be back."

"I know."

"How's the counseling going?" he asked, watching her jitter her leg. He placed a hand on her leg to stop it from moving.

"It's pretty useless. Her newest suggestion is that I should try exercising, something about releasing endorphins. I swear she's on crack." Joey rolled her eyes in frustration.

"So do want me to hang out? We could watch a movie?" he asked carefully.

"Nah, I think I'm just going to go to bed. I'm exhausted."

"Ok, well I guess I'll see you tomorrow morning then," he said standing up.

"What's tomorrow morning?"

"We're going jogging. See if that councilor really is on crack."

"Right Witter. The day you get up in the morning…" she began, her lips turning into a slight smile.

"Will be tomorrow. See ya then Potter." He tossed her a grin, and then turned and walked away, without once looking back at her.

She sighed and then turned to head up to Dawson's room. She climbed into his bed and curled up into a ball and wondered how she was going to make it through the summer without him.

"Morning Sunshine!"

Joey blinked open her eyes to find Pacey standing in front of her, in jogging attire.

"You can't be serious."

"Get your butt out of that bed. I'll be downstairs waiting." She shook her head, but couldn't keep a smile off her face as she put her jogging clothes on and went downstairs.

**  
"Jo, you can't sleep here every night."

"I know Pacey, it's just so lonely in his bed without him. It feels so weird. His parents don't even question the fact that they've inherited a daughter. God Pacey… my whole life is set in stone…"

"It's set in stone because it's the way things are meant to be. Which is why you can't be here; with me. He trusts me, he trusts you, he trusts us. And every time that you crawl through that window, we betray his trust even further."

She softly kissed him. Her mouth was so warm and inviting. He lost his argument; he lost his senses, as he rolled her on top of him. As her hands roamed his body, Dawson and his trusting eyes disappeared. The only thought that didn't disappear was that the only reason she was in his bed was because Dawson was gone.


	9. Chapter 9

Please leave me a note if you're reading! Thanks for the reviews!

 **Now**  
Pacey slammed the refrigerator door hard. His beer was half gone before he even took a breath.

"This is not going to become a habit."

Pacey looked up to see his father standing there in front of him.

"Dad I…"

"This is not going to be the end of everything you've worked for. I know that you're hurting. But walked around here like you're dead is not going to help. Graduation is tomorrow."

"You think I don't know that? I'm not going. I can't. Let's all listen to their love story; Capeside's own Romeo and Juliet."

"And where do you fit in, in this Shakespearean analogy?"

"I don't."

"Maybe that's because Juliet wasn't sleeping with Romeo's best friend?"

Pacey's head shot up. He slowly met his father's eyes.

"You know nothing about what was going on between Joey and I."

"You think I didn't know that girl was climbing in and out of your bedroom? Pacey there's a path leading to your window through the bushes. Your dad isn't nearly as dumb as you seem to think he is. So tell me Pacey, what happen with you and her?"

"I don't know dad. Juliet fucked up. She slept with the joker."

"You and I both know that that's not what she thought of you. What was the package she sent?"

"Her diary. I can't read it. I can't find out how little I meant to her."

"You're really sure that's the way it was?"

"Almost."

 **Then**  
July 2000

"Joey, you aren't leaving, are you?" Joey looked up at Mr. Witter as he stepped out of his cruiser with two boxes of pizza in his hand.

"Yeah I was."

"Didn't Pacey ask you to stay?"

"Um... no, was he supposed to?"

"Yes! I ordered pizza! I wanted an opportunity to thank you for all the help you've been giving him. His report card came today. He actually made honor roll. Come on, I insist."

Joey reluctantly climbed off her bike and followed Mr. Witter inside. They walked into the kitchen, and Joey sat at the table.

"Pacey!" Mr. Witter screamed.

Pacey entered the kitchen with a smile on his face, which faded the second he saw Joey at the kitchen table. She shot him a helpless look.

He sat at the table and grabbed a slice of pizza.

Mr. Witter handed Joey a glass of coke and a plate and sat down at the table.

"So, you excited about this weekend?"

"What's this weekend?"

"Pacey," Mr Witter groaned. "I thought you were going to ask Joey."

"Oh I was. It just slipped my mind." His expression looked pained.

"I was supposed to go into Boston with Pacey this weekend to look at colleges. But it turns out I have to work. So I'd suggested that he take you, since you're the reason he even has a chance at getting in."

"Oh that's okay. I'm busy anyways."

"No Jo, I want you to come. It really did just slip my mind." He felt so angry, and he didn't even know who to direct it at. What was his dad doing, he knew Joey was with Dawson. "I'll pick you up tomorrow, around 10. Okay?"

"Sure Pace. If that's what you want."

Pacey felt his father's eyes boring into him. "Yeah of course Joey. Just make sure you bring something that will make you look old enough for the clubs we'll be sneaking into." He met his father's eyes, expecting disappointment, but instead all he found was a flicker of amusement.

Pacey slipped his hand into hers and they walked over to join the tour. She smiled as she felt his hand. This was the first time they'd ever touched in public. The entire tour was lost on them, the only thing they were aware of was each other.

***  
"Potter – you almost done in there? All the bars are going to be closed!"

"I'm coming, just a sec."

She opened the door, and he froze. She looked incredible. She was a short black skirt and a light-blue halter-top. She'd curled her hair, and she actually had makeup on. His gaze slowly wandered to her wrists. Her wrists that contained light scars, and that was it. She'd stopped cutting them.

"Damn."

She smiled as she left the bathroom.

"Is this okay? Do I look twentyone?"

"You look incredible. Absolutely incredible." He watched as she put her chunky black shoes on, mesmerized by her every move. Every moment he was with her, he was falling further in love with her.

"Here," she said, sliding an ID into his hands. "This should make things easier."

"Where'd you get this?" He asked tightly.

"You already know the answer to that question. And he was really not into making you one, but I begged on your behalf," she grinned at him.

He took a deep breath and held back what he really wanted to say. "Thank you," he said finally.

She walked over to the table and reached her hand out to Pacey.

"So are you going to dance with me now, or what?"

"Okay, you proved your point. How many numbers did you get?"

She laughed. "One or Two."

"If I say yes, does that mean no more dirty dancing with strange guys?"

"I can't make any promises." she grinned seductively at him. He put down his beer and stood up. He allowed her to lead him onto the dance floor. She brought her body close to his and wrapped her arms around him.

"This is so great Pace." She softly kissed him. They weren't aware of anything around them as they danced. Her hands were lightly stroking the back of his neck as they gyrated their hips against each other.

She froze momentarily as "Wicked Game" came on. She almost laughed. She'd been listening to this song all week, thinking of Pacey. _I don't want to fall in love_

"This song has always made me horny," Pacey said grinning as he pressed his body against hers.

She looked up at Pacey. "Let's get out of here."

He slowly unzipped her skirt and slid it off of her. The second he touched her, all of her doubts ceased. All she could think about was him; touching her.

"Pacey, I want you. Inside of me."

He removed her halter-top as she unbuttoned his shirt. They both were tossed on the floor. He slid his hands down her back and slowly removed her black thong.

"Damn, if I'd known you were wearing this, we would have left that club hours ago."

She smiled as she fumbled with his pants button. Removing his pants revealed Winnie the Pooh boxers.

"If I'd known you were wearing these, I would have gone home with one of those other guys."

"Hey, I wore these special for you."

"Too bad, cuz they have to go."

She removed his boxers with a grin. She furtively glanced down. And then reached her hand out to touch him. He groaned.

"Damn woman." He carried her to the bed and reached towards his wallet. He pulled a condom out and unwrapped it.

"I want to help."

He slowly guided her hand as together they slid on the condom.

He kissed her as he slowly moved between her legs. He met her eyes expecting fear, but all he saw was desire.

"Pacey, please. I'm ready. I want you."

"I love you," he whispered as he slowly entered her.

Her entire face lit up as she raised her hips toward him. "I love you too."

He hadn't meant to say it; and he knew she didn't mean it. After all they both knew how this story ended and it wasn't with him. He was just sex. Tomorrow he would tell her, it was all a lie.

She rolled over to put her arms around Pacey, instead she found the bed empty. She sat up and looked around the room. He was sitting on a chair by the window, putting his shoes on.

"Are we leaving already?"

"Yup. Unless you want another ride?" His eyes were so cold. She suddenly became very aware of her nakedness. She kept the sheet wrapped around her as she stood up and grabbed her outfit off the floor.

"Not with you looking at me like that. Are you mad at me?"

"No, why would I be mad?"

"You seem mad." She walked over to her bag, the sheet still around her. "Will you please turn around?"

"I'm not mad. I'm indifferent. Don't turn us into something we're not."

"But last night you said…"

"I think we both got really caught up in the moment and said some things we didn't mean. I think we should forget about whatever was said."

"You said you loved me."

"Well I guess I lied then, didn't I?"he asked tightly.

"You weren't lying," her voice shook as she spoke.

"Potter, get over yourself. Don't look at me like you expect any different. I told you I was never going to fall in love with you. Nothing's changed that."

She wiped away the tears as she put her clothes on.

"Fuck you Pacey."

"I think we tried that last night. But if you want, I could be up for it again."

She slung her backpack over her shoulder.

"You can be a real asshole you know. Let's go."

"Listen, Jo."

"I don't want to hear anything else you have to say. I just want you to take me home."

He glanced over at her as he drove. He knew she was hurting. He knew she was hurting because of him. But he'd done the right thing. If he didn't do it now, it would only end up hurting everyone in the long run.

He slowly reached his hand out and put it on top of hers. She slid her fingers through his. And the ride back to Capeside was driven in silence.


	10. Chapter 10

Thanks for reading! Please keep the reviews coming.

 **Now**

Joey began whimpering as she woke up.

"Joey?" Mrs. Leery whispered softly as she reached out for her hand. Joey slowly opened her eyes, and for a brief moment thought that it had all been a dream.

"Dawson!" she exclaimed trying to sit up.

"Joey, please, don't move." Mrs. Leery begged, lightly pushing her back down.

"Dawson?" she asked softly. She didn't need to ask, she knew the answer the second she looked into Mrs. Leery's eyes.

Mrs. Leery wiped away the tears and fought the urge to hug Joey. She had so many questions, and not a single answer. She only knew that Joey was alive, and her son was on life support.

 **Then**  
August 2000

"Pacey, Wow!"

Joey crawled through his window and looked around. He had candles set up all around his room.

"Happy Birthday Jo," he grinned. "Now get over here woman!"

"I like it when you call me woman!" She climbed on the bed and straddled him. She took the book he was reading from his hands. "Wow you're already on the second book?"

Pacey snatched the book away from her and dropped it on the floor. "Could we please replace Tutor Potter with sexy Joey?"

She slowly removed her shirt, revealing a skimpy leopard print bra. Pacey groaned.

"Damn, that looks even better on you then I thought it would. I actually didn't think you'd wear it."

"I have the matching underwear on too. Although this kinda feels like more of a gift for you than for me! Oh, speaking of gifts.. I have a surprise!" she reached into her back pocket and tossed a thin square packet on his chest. He picked it up and looked at it.

"What is this?"

"I'm on the pill. No more dealing with condoms!" She exclaimed as she slowly un-tucked his shirt. "I started 2 weeks ago, but I waited to tell you 'til we could take full advantage."

Her hand slipped under his shirt and she began gently running her hands along his stomach. He took her hand and put it on the bed.

"Jo ... the pill is something you should be on if you're in a relationship."

"Which is what we have. This is a relationship. Why do you keep acting like this is nothing?"

"It's sex Jo, that's it."

"I'm going to break up with Dawson," she volunteered hesitantly.

"Don't." he said softly.

"Don't what? Break up with him, or tell you that I'm going to break up with him?"

"Jo – if you break up with him. This – whatever is going on here, it's over," he said harshly.

"What, I'm good enough for you to fuck, but not for you to be in a relationship with?"

Joey angrily tried to move away. Pacey pulled her back. "You belong with him. This is just good sex. I will never forgive you if you walk away from the rest of your life for nothing."

"You know this is more than just good sex. What if you're the rest of my life? What if we're the rest of each others lives? What if one day you wake up and realized you pushed me away?"

"Jo…"

They both froze when they heard a knock on the door.

"Pacey?" the door opened. Joey jumped off of Pacey as Doug walked into the room. She grabbed a blanket and pulled it up around her chest.

"Oh Pacey. I didn't realize you had um… company. Joey, why don't you put your clothes on and I'll drive you home."

He closed the door. Joey hit her head against the bed. "Shit!"

She stood up and put her shirt on while Pacey blew out the candles.

"Thanks for a great evening Pace. I don't think I'll be up for the jog tomorrow. So I guess I'll see you around."

"This isn't the way I wanted tonight to go. I wanted it to be special."

"Oh it was special, alright."

She slammed the door on her way out.

**  
"Thanks for the ride Doug."

"I'll help you get your bike." Doug got out of the car and took her bike off the back of his cruiser.

"Is anyone home? It looks awfully dark in there." They both turned and looked at the dark house. "Joey if you need anyone to talk to..."

Joey sighed. "I'm fine Doug. Thanks again for the ride."

**  
She felt him crawl into her bed. She slowly turned to him.

"Doug was worried about you."

"So he made you come? Is that what you're telling me?" She attempted to turn away from him; he pulled her back.

"Jo, I didn't come here to fight. Tell me what you want."

"I want you," she said firmly.

"For how long Jo? How can we possibly work? You break up with Dawson. You and I date. Which completely destroys the relationship I have with him. Then you break up with me, because at some point you'll realize that Dawson's who you want. And then I'm left with no one."

"Pacey," she slowly slipped her hand under the back of his shirt. "You don't know it's going to be that way."

"But you're not denying it."

"Pacey..."

"He will be back in a week Joey. You and I both know everything will change then."

"But it can change for the better. I'm eighteen now. I don't need to stay there anymore. I already told them I'm moving home. This is finally our chance Pacey," she begged.

"I don't want you living here alone Jo," he said irritated. "We covered this."

"You covered this. I can't stay there anymore. I know you think they are my family, but… I can't explain this properly. I need to be on my own."

He nodded his head. "Fine, I'm changing the locks in the morning."

"And what about us Pace?" she asked, her eyes glistening.

"I don't want to talk anymore Jo." He rolled on top of her and covered her lips with his as he fought back the tears in his eyes.


	11. Chapter 11

Please review if you're reading! Also would like to thank whoever "Guest" is for the nice review on my last update. It's nice to know someone gets exactly what I'm writing!

 **Now**

"I want to see him."

"Joey, I'm not sure about that." Mrs. Leery said reaching her hand out to touch Joey.

"I have to see him, please?"

Within minutes a nurse was placing Joey in a wheelchair and wheeling her towards Dawson. _This is all a dream_. She was wheeled over to his bed. She stared at the pale motionless figure in front of her; Dawson, her soul mate, the boy she loved all her life. And she knew that all of this was her fault.

 **Then**  
 _Sept 2000_

"So it finally happened huh?" Jen asked as she slid herself in the chair next to Pacey. "I didn't think she had it in her!"

"Neither did I," he said tightly as he cracked open his soda.

"I thought you'd be happy Pacey?" Jen probed.

"That my best friend is heart broken?"

"Okay if that's what we are going with. You realize I know Joey is the reason for your dry spell?"

"My what?" Pacey asked raising an eyebrow at her.

"This is the longest I've seen you go without a girl attached to you in a quite a while. I just assumed…"

"You assumed wrong," he said gruffly. "In fact I have a new prospect!" He waved at a blond girl across the cafeteria, who noticed his wave almost immediately and made her way over to him.

"Hey Pacey, was just doing that whole new girl doesn't know where to sit thing" she laughed.

"You can join us," he offered, pulling out the empty chair next to him.

"Thanks," she grinned again as she sat next to him.

"Andie, this is my friend Jen," he dramatically indicated to Jen, as if he was on Wheel of Fortune.

Andie laughed, "Hello friend Jen. Nice to meet you."

"So Andie, I'm glad I found you. I was hoping maybe you'd be interested in going to a party with me tonight?" he asked lightly, aware of Jen studying his every move.

"Like a date?" Andie asked excitedly.

"Like a date," he grinned.

"I've got to get going guys. Andie, nice meeting you. Pacey… you're a moron."

88

"Pacey!" Joey exclaimed running down the stairs and wrapping her arms around him. Her drink spilled slightly as she attempted to cling to him.

"Joey, quit hanging all over me like you're my god damn girlfriend." Pacey said crossly, pushing her off of him. She straightened herself up as she looked at him.

"What the hell crawled up your ass and died?"

Pacey glared at her. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"I came with Chris. Sorry, I didn't realize I had to get your permission to attend a party."

She kept trying to meet his eyes, but he seemed distracted. "Well you obviously don't care what I want."

"Okay, this is about Dawson, isn't it?" She leaned against the side of the sofa and let out a sigh. "He told you?"

"Hey Pacey!" Joey watched as Pacey grinned at a pretty blonde girl who was handing him a drink.

"Thanks," Pacey said, the grin not leaving his face. He slowly turned to Joey.

"Joey, this is Andie McPhee, Andie, Joey Potter." Joey tried her best to smile as she watched Andie slide her hand into Pacey's.

"Hi Joey! It's great to finally meet you. We just moved here in August. I think you and I have Spanish together. And study hall."

Joey stared at Andie. She couldn't possibly be this cheerful! "Yeah you look familiar."

"You date Dawson, right? You two are so cute!"

"Dated. Past tense. She dumped him this morning. Right Jo?" Pacey's angry eyes slowly met Joey's.

"You two broke up? I'm so sorry!" Andie hugged Joey tightly. Joey awkwardly hugged her back.

"Thanks Andie, I'm gonna go mingle. So I'll see you around." She quickly turned away, the tears forming already.

"Jo, wait!"

He reached out and grabbed her wrist. She stopped, but kept her back to him.

"I'm gonna give you a ride home, okay? I don't want Chris driving you home."

"I'm a big girl Pacey, I can take care of myself." He loosened his grip as she pulled her arm away from him.

"I'll come find you when it's time to go."

She nodded her head as she disappeared into the crowd of people.

88

"Hey Pacey, is something wrong?" Andie asked leaning against him. Pacey watched as she discarded her sixth drink for the night.

"Nah."

"Cuz if you need to talk about anything, I'm really good at talking. So anything you want to say, well I'll listen. Only maybe now might not be the best time because I've had a lot to drink."

Pacey laughed as she spoke. She was cute. She was nothing like Joey. He inhaled the scent of her hair; it smelled like hairspray, nothing like the soft fresh scent of Joey's. _Stop comparing them!_ Andie turned to Pacey and kissed him lightly.

"Joey, are you sure you want to do this? You've had a lot to drink," Chris mumbled as they made their way to an empty room.

"So have you," she laughed. His lips covered hers as they fell on the bed.

"Hey Pacey, I don't feel so good. Would you mind if we headed home?"

Pacey breathed a sigh of relief. He just wanted the night to end. "Yeah sure, you haven't seen Joey have you?"

"Yeah I think I saw her heading upstairs with um… Chris?

Pacey's eyes narrowed. "Okay Andie, I'm gonna go get her. I'll be right back." He walked up the stairs, shaking. She wouldn't really be with Chris, would she? The first two bedroom contained couples having sex; the 3rd door he tried contained Joey and Chris.

His heart sank as he met Joey's eyes. As he met Joey's eyes while she slid on her shirt. As he met Joey's eyes while Chris was zipping up his pants.

He took a step towards Chris.

"Hey man," Chris said standing up. _Cocky bastard_. Pacey's fist met Chris's face with a loud smack.

"Pacey!" Joey shrieked. She ran over to Pacey and pushed him on his chest away from Chris. "What the hell? Nothing happen that I didn't want to happen."

She could almost see the disappointment replace the anger in his face. "I'll be in the hall waiting."

88

She hesitantly opened the door. Pacey was sitting in the hallway; his head against his knees.

"I'm ready Pacey." Chris followed behind her.

"We cool Witter?" Chris asked. _Cocky fucking bastard_. "Cuz I wouldn't want to have to kick your ass."

"Sure Chris, we're cool." _Bastard_.

Joey sat down next to Pacey as Chris walked away.

"Hey Pace, this whole jealous boyfriend act. It doesn't fit our little arrangement so well."

He angrily stood up. "Come on, let's get going."

"Why do you always run away when we talk about this?" she asked following him as he headed down the stairs.

"There's nothing to talk about. Nothing. And you're the one who ruined our little arrangement. You told me you wouldn't end things. God Jo. I had to listen to him cry all afternoon, this was in-between him telling me how important my friendship is to him. You fucked this up. And that's before this."

"Hey guys!" Andie exclaimed running over to them. "Is everything okay, I was getting worried?"

She looked back and forth between the angry faces. Neither of them answered her.

Pacey walked on ahead of them. Andie turned and looked at Joey. "What happen?"

"Men!" Joey said shrugging her shoulders and placing a plastic smile on her face. Andie looped her arm through Joey's and leaned against her slightly.

"You said it sister!"

88

Joey slouched down in the back seat as Pacey walked Andie to the door. She didn't want to know, she didn't want to see him kiss her. She felt so dizzy. She didn't even know how many drinks she'd had.

Pacey got back into the car. "You want to move to the front?"

She didn't answer.

"Fine." Pacey turned on the radio.

They didn't speak the entire way. She could hear Pacey lightly singing with the radio. If she closed her eyes, she could almost pretend he was singing to her.

"You like her." She wanted it to be a question, it wasn't.

"Yes." He wanted it to be the answer. Was it?

She leaned her head against the cool car window. It felt good against her warm skin. She kept seeing Andie, blonde and graceful and everything that Joey wasn't.

Pacey pulled into her driveway.

She pushed the car door open and fell onto the ground. Pacey jumped out of the car and ran around to her.

"Joey, are you okay?" he asked reaching out a hand to her. She struggled to her feet without the help of his hand.

"I'm fine Pace," she said tightly. He grabbed her and pulled her against him. She allowed him to help her into the house.

"Jo, I'm sorry about tonight. I'm so sorry. It's just… it's just… I don't like who I see in the mirror. I want to like myself again."

"Me too Pacey, me too."

"Hey guys."

Pacey and Joey looked up to see Dawson standing there, in front of them. They both retraced the conversation, what had they said?

"I need to go to the bathroom. I think I'm going to be sick," Joey mumbled.

"Dawson, great – you can take over." Pacey untangled Joey's arms from around him and Dawson took her.

"What'd you do to her?" Dawson asked as Joey slowly dropped to the floor.

"Oh no, you're not blaming me for this one D. I barely even saw the girl all night. I'm taking off, but remind me tomorrow to tell you about how my date went."

"See ya Pacey." Dawson said as he picked Joey up off the floor.

"Joey, are you okay?"

She nodded her head. There were two Dawsons. One was bad enough.

"How much did you have to drink Jo? Why would you do this? I'm going to put you to bed, and I'm coming with you. I won't touch you. I just want to hold you. Okay Jo?" He brought his head down to hers.

"Jo?" She looked pensive. "What were you and Pacey talking about? Jo, what's going on in that head of yours?"

He took a step back as his answer covered him, his shoes and the floor.


	12. Chapter 12

**Is anyone reading this one? Please leave reviews if you are!**

 **Now**  
Chris sat down awkwardly in the chair next to the bed. He reached out and touched Joey's hand. She opened her eyes and smiled softly.

"Hey. Where you been all my life?" she asked, trying to lighten the mood.

"God Joey. When you said you had a plan… why didn't you talk to me? I would have helped you. I would have taken care of you. I would have given you the money for an abortion. Hell I woulda raised the baby with you. I would have done anything for you."

"I know you would have."

"But none of that matters, because I'm not him," Chris said sadly. "He was never worth any of this. He never deserved your love you know?"

"I'm pretty sure I never deserved anyone's love," she said softly. "And I can guarantee you, I wasn't worth any of this."

 **Then**

 _ **October 2000**_

Pacey sighed as he opened Joey's unlocked front door. "Joey?" he called up to her. "You're supposed to have this door locked!"

"I'll be right down," he heard her voice yell. He wandered into the kitchen, his nose following a delicious smell. When he entered the kitchen, he saw a large stack of brownies sitting on a plate, as well as another large stack of brownies individually wrapped in saran wrap.

"Can I have one of these?" he yelled as he picked one up off the plate and began eating. They were still warm from the oven and Pacey quickly finished his brownie and picked up a second.

"Pacey! No Stop!" Joey admonished as she caught him in her kitchen.

"What?" he asked his mouth full of brownie. "These are delicious."

Joey sighed. "Put down the brownie Pacey."

"Why?" he asked as he took another big bite.

"Pacey," Joey said, wearing an amused look on her face. "Those would be my special brownies you're quickly inhaling over there."

"Yum they are special," Pacey said taking another bite. As he chewed it suddenly occurred to him what she meant. "Shit! Why the hell do you have a million pot brownies sitting on your kitchen table?"

She shrugged her shoulders as she took the remainder of the brownie from his hands and put it to her mouth. "So I guess studying is out."

88

"Holy crap Jo!" Pacey muttered, lying back on the floor and staring at her ceiling. "You make a good brownie."

She laughed as she bumped her arm against him. "It's actually my mom's recipe. She taught me to make them when she was sick. Only then of course the goal wasn't to create a high, just to make her feel good."

Pacey reached out and took her hand in his. The feel of her skin felt incredible against his.

"I got back together with Dawson. You were right, you know. Telling him about… What happened. He's been picture perfect since I told him. And by picture perfect I mean he doesn't attempt to touch me ever."

"He told you're back together Jo. I'm sorry I've been so closed off lately. It just seemed easier. It's so hard to be near you, and to not be touching you." He felt himself let go of her hand and slowly trace a pattern up and down her arm. She turned to him and smiled shyly at him. He found her lips with his, unable to stop himself. "Upstairs?" he breathed in between kisses.

She pulled him towards the stairs, neither of them looking as they walked while kissing. She fell as the back of her calves hit the stairs.

"Stairs?" she asked as he removed her shirt.

"Condom," he muttered, as he lowered his mouth to her nipple, her back pressed against the stairs.

"I'm still on the pill," she said softly as he removed his mouth.

"Just this once," he moaned, unable to move away from her.

88

"Shit, Jo!" Pacey exclaimed as the alarm went off on his watch. "Shit!"

"Huh?" Joey asked slowly waking up and turning to look at him. "Oh god, my back," she moaned.

"It's 7 in the morning. School. Fuck… my dads going to kill me." he said hopping to his feet and running his hands through his hair in frustration.

"Shit," Joey said as she shook her head trying to clear her head. "We didn't finish studying for History. Or if we did I don't remember. Okay give me five minutes to get ready and we can go. I think you have a clean shirt on my washing machine?"

Pacey stumbled over to her laundry room, finding not one, but several clean shirts. Most of them were ones Joey had stolen on her way home from his bed. He grinned as he pulled one over his head.

He heard Joey leave the bathroom and head into the kitchen and he followed her in. He watched in silence as she took a stack of brownies and placed them in a paper bag and then into her backpack.

"Okay ready!" Joey exclaimed brightly as she looked up at him.

Her eyes were shining and she looked wide awake.

"What's with the brownies?" he asked cautiously.

She shrugged. "Listen Pace… it's this or the Ice House. And this gives me so much more time to study. And if I ever want anything to change, you and I both know I need all the studying, good grades and money I can get…"

"So you're selling them?" he asked incredulous.

"Come on, let's just get to school. Come on!" she exclaimed grabbing his arm.

"Joey…" he began tentatively. "Did you… when you went upstairs… are you on something?"

"Stop asking questions you don't want the answers to," she said softly. She turned abruptly and headed out to his car.

He took a deep breath, realizing standing there in her kitchen, he had never felt more distant from her.

88

"Can I ask you guys a question?"

Jen looked up from painting Joey's toenails.

"Sure Andie, what's up?" Jen asked. She looked up at Joey, annoyed. " Jo will you do that shot already!"

"It's one of those questions that you're not supposed to ask your boyfriend's friends."

"Oh the best kind. Shoot," Jen said smiling.

"Has Pacey slept with anyone?"

Joey choked as she swallowed her shot while Jen let out a laugh. "He couldn't have been that bad Andie!"

"No that's just it! He doesn't want to have sex. I've tried, believe me. So I thought maybe, he was waiting for someone special." Andie said, plunking herself on the bed next to Joey. "He doesn't want to talk about it. And he most certainly doesn't want to have sex with me."

Jen's eyes slowly met Joey's. "Andie I don't really know what to tell you. Except talk to him. It's not our place to say anything."

Andie slowly looked from Jen to Joey. "I know. I just… I get the feeling that there was someone else. Someone he doesn't want to let go of. And he won't talk about it. And I'm falling in love with him…"

"You know what – I think this calls for my activity." Joey slowly pulled a bag out of her pocket and tossed it on her bed.

"Is that… pot?" Andie's eyes grew wide as she stared at the bag.

Jen grinned widely at Joey. "Miss Josephine Potter! Roll it!"

Andie shook her head as Joey expertly rolled the joint. "I think I'm out on this one."

"Okay one more shot first!" Jen filled everyone's shot glasses. Joey swallowed it without even wincing.

"We're gonna go on the roof and smoke this."

Andie nodded and flicked on the TV as Joey and Jen crawled out the window. Joey shivered as Jen settled herself on the roof and pulled out a lighter.

Joey walked over to the edge of the roof. She loved the feeling of the wind whipping through her hair. It made her feel like she could fly.

"Jo, what the hell are you doing?" Jen asked slowly standing up.

Joey looked down at the ground below them. "Do you ever think about it? Just ending it? Just one jump and it would all be over"

"If you jump off my roof – you're not going to die. You'll just end up paralyzed, and who wants that? So get your butt over here and smoke with me."

Joey slowly made her way over to Jen and they both sat down. She took the joint and inhaled deeply.

"Doesn't it make it a little easier knowing?"

"Knowing what?"

"That they're not sleeping together yet?"

Joey coughed as a puff of smoke escaped from her mouth. For a brief moment all she saw was black. And then everything swirling.

"I don't know what you're talking about Jen."

"Yes you do Joey."

Joey smiled awkwardly at Jen. "I wish I didn't."

"I know. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. And you can trust me."

Joey leaned against Jen, her world spinning. "If I say it out loud then it stops being nothing."

88

"Hey Joey."

"Oh hey Dawson." Joey closed her book and put it down next to her. "I thought you weren't coming by til later."

"I've got to ask you something. I heard this rumor about you and Chris…"

She scuffed her feet against the ground, staring at her sneakers. "Come on Dawson, you should know not to pay attention to rumors."

"That's what I thought. So I came over here earlier to make sure. And I saw you with him, and he had his arm around you. You looked rather intimate. I just..."

"Dawson, he's just a friend."

"Like Pacey?" Dawson asked pulling her close to him.

"Yeah Dawson, just like Pacey."

"I'd die if I lost you again Joey. I can't live without you. I need you to understand that Jo. I need you to understand just how much I love you."

"I know what you mean," she said softly, thinking about Pacey.


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey I got two reviews! I'll posted the next update :) And Guest1 - the only question I'll answer was that at the beginning the drs tell Bessie that Joey lost the baby. So no abortion. The rest you will have to read on!**

 **Now**

"Joey. Who was that?" Bessie asked sitting down in the chair next to the bed.

"Just a friend."

"A friend?"

"It's funny, the way the people you think will always be there for you walk away, and the ones that you thought would push you while you were down are in reality the only ones that tried to help you to your feet."

"What are you talking about Jo? Who walked away?"

"You mean other than you?" Joey asked, turning her head away from her sister.

 **Then**  
 _Nov 2000_

She tied her sneakers tightly. Her head hurt like hell from drinking and smoking weed with Jen the night before.

"Hey Potter."

Of course he would be here. She hadn't been jogging in over a month. She foolishly had assumed that he hadn't either.

"Hey Asswipe."

Her heart was pounding. He was smiling at her like nothing had happen. _Nothing_.

"I've missed ya. You haven't been here in over a month."

She smiled slowly. "I'm surprised you missed nothing."

He sat down on the bleachers next to her. He reached out and touched her. And she felt herself melting, she closed her eyes as he ran his hand up and down the length of her arm. She wanted it to be nothing, but the goose bumps covering her skin said otherwise.

"Pacey," she breathed.

He took her hand and led her behind the bleachers.

88

"Joey!" Dawson called climbing her stairs. "You up here?"

He slowly opened her door, gasping as he found her curled up bawling in just her bra and underwear.

"Are you… are you okay?" he asked hesitantly as he walked in her room.

"Dawson… I'm just having a rough one today."

"Can I lay next to you?" he asked taking another step towards the bed. When she didn't answer him he hesitantly crawled into bed and wrapped his arms around her.

"Joey… tell me what to do. This is the third time this week. What is going on with you?"

"I just… it's like there's this weight on my chest. No matter what I do, I can't outrun it. I can't make it go away. I just… I just don't want to be here anymore," she said in a small voice.

"You are not going anywhere without me. Understand Jo? If I lose you… I may as well be dead anyway"

Her eyes widened as she turned to face him. "You have a million things to live for Dawson. I could never ask that of you."

"I do have a million things, unfortunately they are all you," he said softly taking her hand in his. "We can just stay home tonight if you want?"

"If I can just get myself there, I can fake it til I make it," she said softly. "I need to not be alone."

"Whatever you need Jo," he said softy kissing her cheek. "I'll do anything you need."

88

"Remind me again how we let Andie talk us into actually attending a dance?" Dawson asked, trying to pull Joey close to him as they danced.

She shook her head. "I don't know, but it sure looks like she and Pacey are having fun."

Dawson followed Joey's jealous gaze and watched as Pacey spun Andie around the dance floor.

"Yeah well Pacey's never been afraid to let loose."

"I'm gonna go get some air Dawson."

"You want me to come?"

Joey smiled. "Nah, I'll be fine."

88

"Joey, what are you doing out here?" Andie asked as she sat down on the school stairs next to Joey.

"Isn't this what you're supposed to do at a high school dance? Sit outside and cry? I swear that's what my 'High School for Dummies' said. What are you doing out here? You and Pacey looked so happy together."

"What with him swinging me all over the dance floor. Avoiding every moment that could possibly be remotely intimate. Joey, I've got to say something. I think he's in love with someone else." Andie paused as she looked up at Joey. "And I think it's you."

Joey swallowed. _Act natural. Act natural._

"Me? Andie. Don't be ridiculous! Pacey is not in love with me ... Believe me."

Andie's eyes widened as she searched Joey's eyes. "You say that like…"

"Andie… Joey? What are you two doing out here together?"

Andie stood up and smiled at Pacey. "We're just doing some female bonding. You interrupted before we could get to the juicy stuff though. Joey, I'll give you a call."

Pacey followed Andie inside, without once looking at Joey. Joey shook her head. _Of course he's not in love with me_

88

"There is nothing in the world that could change my mind. There is nothing else" Joey sang into her hairbrush.

"Joey?"

She jumped at the sound of his voice. She smiled slightly, embarrassed.

"I thought you weren't coming." She dropped her hairbrush and turned down the radio

"I wasn't. But I wanted a dance with you."

She stood up and walked towards him. She allowed him to pull her tight into his arms. Like Dawson had been trying to do all night.

She looked into his eyes and saw the self-loathing she'd been feeling all night reflected back at her. "Pacey, this is killing us." She spoke so softly he almost didn't hear her.

"I know." He leaned his forehead against hers. "So what do we do about it?"

"What can we do Pace?"

"Do the right thing and walk away from each other?"

"Is that what you want to do?" She brought her lips close to him. "Because we seem to have trouble walking away from this."

"I don't want this to be over Jo. But you're right. This thing we have, it's not worth the guilt that keeps me up at night. It was bad enough when it was just his heart. But now it's hers too."

"Why can't we just get rid of the guilt? We don't have to be over. We could begin Pacey. You and I. You could give you and I a chance. You've never really given it a chance." Her lip trembled as she looked up at him. Her eyes were full of hope.

"You know why Jo?" Pacey let go of her abruptly. He walked over to her desk and grabbed a handful of papers. "You see these college applications? Where have you applied? Where?" He began throwing the applications at her as he spoke. "Not one of these is where you want to go. They're all to follow Dawson. Come on Jo, do you really want to go to UCLA? No… you want to be with him. You haven't even asked me where I'm going. You don't see a future here. You never have. So don't tell me I've never given it a chance!"

Joey felt the tears as she picked up the applications. He was right, of course, not one was where she wanted to go. Each one was condemning her to a life with Dawson. She sank down to the ground.

Pacey walked over and sat down next to her.

"Pace, how can I make you understand?"

"That's the beauty of this Jo. I don't need to understand. It's just this." He meant to leave after that. He meant to end it. But instead, he pulled her close to him and his lips sought out hers.


	14. Chapter 14

**So this is a weird story to write - because you already know how it "ends". Loving the feedback I've gotten - please keep it coming! I guess you guys aren't liking Andie so much - will she stick around? Read on to find out!**

 **Now**

"Hey Jo," Jen said hesitantly entering the room.

"Jen!" Joey grinned, realizing Jen was the one person she was genuinely glad to see.

Jen sat in the chair next to the bed, and placed a stack of magazines on the table. "In case you get bored."

Joey nodded her head. "I'm glad you're here Jen."

"Jo… how could you? I've been going over this in my head. Over and over. When you hugged me at the prom. I knew. I knew something was wrong. But then I said, but my friend Joey is logical, and there's no way she's headed off with her boyfriend for some sort of suicide pact."

Joey let out a sob as she looked to Jen. "That's the first time anyone's actually said it out loud"

"But that is what happened, right?"

"I don't think I could ever really explain what happened."

"Can you try?" Jen asked hesitantly.

 **Then**  
 _Dec 2000_

"Pacey can I talk to you?"

"Sure D. Have a seat." Pacey closed his history book and turned towards Dawson. "What's up?"

"Do you think Joey would cheat on me?" Dawson asked plopping himself in a chair.

"Joey? Dawson, come on!" He could feel his heart beating so loudly he was scared Dawson could hear it.

"Here's the thing. I've seen Chris over her place a lot lately. "

"Chris? Since when did they become so friendly?" The image of Joey pulling her shirt back on and Chris's cocky grin flashed through his mind.

"I saw him leaving at almost midnight last week. And when I went to pick her up for school the other morning, I saw him sneaking off."

"Did you ask her about it?" Pacey asked, carefully controlling his voice.

"She denied it, she said that she and Chris are friends, just like you two are," Dawson said, his face full of concern.

"I'm sure there's a rational explanation D." He plastered a smile on his face, but his insides were crumbling. Chris. Of course. Of course all he was to her was a good fuck, and obviously on nights when he wasn't there Chris was taking up the slack.

"I'd die if I lost her Pace. I'd die."

88

Joey crawled through Pacey's window with a big grin on her face.

"Hey asswipe!" He slowly looked up at her without an ounce of emotion on his face. He looked as if he was looking right through her. "Pacey?"

"Joey," he said somberly.

"What's wrong?" She walked over to where he was sitting on the bed and slowly straddled him.

"Jo, stop." He lightly pushed her off of him. "Don't. Andie just left."

"So I guess I have good timing then, don't I?"

"Come on Joey, don't make me say it."

She tried to swallow the lump she'd felt in her throat since she saw the expression on his face.

"Say what?"

"She just left my bed." He looked down, he couldn't stand to see whatever truths her eyes held. If it was hurt, he didn't want to know he caused it… and if it wasn't hurt, he didn't think he could handle it.

"Oh." She laughed nervously as she slowly backed out of the room. "Okay." Her entire body was shaking. She could barely see. "I guess I'll see you around." _Keep your shit together Joey._

He nodded his head, not looking at her once. Knowing if he did, he would crumble and tell her he loved her.

He tightly closed his eyes as she crawled out the window.

88

Joey collapsed, breathless, at her dresser. She'd run the entire way home from Pacey's. She knew her feet were blistered and bleeding from running in her loafers, but she couldn't feel it. She couldn't feel anything. She stared at herself in the mirror; her face pale, her eyes glazed. She didn't even recognize the face that stared back at her. Whoever that face belonged to, she hated this girl.

She pictured Pacey kissing Andie, the way he kissed her. Calling out Andie's name, instead of hers. She pictured Dawson's trusting face; the guy who loved her, and Pacey's emotionless face; the guy who didn't. She didn't want to picture anything. She just wanted to feel nothing.

She turned her attention to a framed photo Dawson had given her, the three of them, all smiling and happy. She picked it up and hurled it at the mirror as hard as she could. The mirror fractured, pieces of glass flying everywhere. As she sank to the ground, she grabbed a shard of glass.

88

"Joey? Oh miss Josephine? Joey?" Chris slowly opened her door. "Where the hell is she?" he muttered to himself. He climbed the stairs to her bedroom, and cautiously peeked in her open door.

He froze when he saw her. Huddled up in the corner, dressed in jeans and a bra, rocking back and forth, with blood all over her.

"Joey, oh my god…"

"Chris?" she asked softly. Her eyes were glazed over, as if she wasn't aware of her surroundings.

"Come on Joey, we're gonna take you to the hospital." He walked over to her and reached down to help her up.

"No hospitals please Chris. It's fine. It's not as bad as it looks." He nodded his head and took her hand.

She allowed him to lead her into the bathroom and place her arms under the water. "I'm sorry Chris. I didn't want…"

"Please don't apologize Joey." He sat her down on the toilet seat and began rummaging through the medicine cabinet. The cuts hadn't been that deep, but they stretched up and down the length of her arms.

"Your weed isn't in there."

He grabbed gauze and bandages out of the medicine cabinet and knelt down in front of her.

"Yeah because that's all an asshole like me would be worried about right? Making sure I get my drugs? You really think I'm that guy? Jesus Joey. The only asshole in your life is the one you're in love with."

"Dawson isn't an asshole." Her voice was so soft, almost child-like. Chris longed to reach out and wrap her in his arms.

"I wasn't talking about Dawson. I'm talking about Pacey."

"Chris don't be ridiculous…" she felt tears running down her cheeks.

"He's not worth this you know. Not by a long shot." He took a couple pieces of toilet paper off the roll and handed it to her. She trembled as she wiped away the tears with it.

"Will you stay with me tonight? Please Chris. I don't want to be alone."

He nodded his head hesitantly; knowing that laying next to her all night would be sweet torture. "Whatever you need Joey."


	15. Chapter 15

**Please keep the reviews coming if you want me to keep posting!**

 **New Years**

2000 – 2001

"Joey this party was such a great idea!" Andie exclaimed, slightly slurring her words as she leaned on Joey.

Joey finished the contents of her cup and dropped it on the ground. "Hey having a house all to yourself does have some perks."

"Hey guys it's thirty minutes to midnight… we're all going to watch the ball drop, come on!" Dawson exclaimed. Joey transferred Andie to Dawson's shoulder.

"I just gotta hit the bathroom."

She headed towards the bathroom grabbing another drink on the way. She couldn't believe the amount of people that fit in her house! And even better, they'd all paid ten dollars to be there. And with that large amount of people, wouldn't it figure that she would run into Pacey just as he was leaving the bathroom.

"Potter," he breathed. Before she knew it, the door to the bathroom was closed and they were both in it.

"Pacey, I've missed you," she mumbled as she brought her lips to his.

"Jo. We can't do this."

"I know." She slowly began kissing his neck.

He lifted her up onto the sink counter. His hands lightly stroked her legs. The site of her in the short black shirt she was wearing had been driving him crazy all night.

"God Pace," she breathed as he slowly traced the line of her underwear with his fingertip. She lifted her butt so he could remove her underwear. He slid it off and tossed it behind her. She pulled off his shirt and began running her fingernails up and down his back.

"Jo, you've been drinking… are you sure…" she silenced him with her mouth.

"Please Pacey." Her hands were on his pants, unzipping them.

"I don't have a condom." He whispered, slowly sliding his fingers into her.

"I'm on the pill, remember?" She wrapped her legs around him pulling him towards her.

"Jo," his fingers lightly grazed her nipple. He wanted to tell her then, to tell her how much he loved her. He watched her as he entered her, her expression one of complete ecstasy. He felt tears on his face as he thrust in and out of her.

"Oh God Pacey."

He loved her like this. His.

They came at the same time, like always. She kept her legs wrapped around him long after they finished. Holding each other tightly. Both scared to let go, because then it would be over. It had to be.

"Joey? You okay in there?" They both jumped at the knock on the door.

"Shit!" Joey exclaimed. Pacey began franticly pulling his pants on.

"Go put your head over the toilet – quick," she whispered. She took his shirt and put it in the sink. She took a deep breath and walked over to the door and opened it.

"Hey Dawson."

Pacey noticed her underwear still on the sink. He quickly reached his hand up and grabbed it, and shoved it in his pocket.

"What's going on?" Dawson asked looking from Joey to a shirtless Pacey.

"Oh dumbass puked all over himself." Joey laughed as she held Pacey's shirt under the tap and turned the water on. Pacey winced as he wondered what he was going to put on. Almost as if Dawson heard his thoughts he removed his flannel shirt.

He tossed it towards Pacey. "Here, man."

"Thanks D." Pacey said looking up from the toilet, trying to look as sick as possible.

"Jo – it's almost midnight. Come on! Pace, you okay now?"

Dawson walked over and helped Pacey to his feet. "I didn't even see you drink that much."

"Yeah. I had a couple tequila shots… that must've been what did it."

"Jo..." Dawson began. They both looked up to see that Joey was gone. "Where the hell did she go?"

And then they both heard her laugher. Followed by Chris.

"Chris put me down!" Joey screeched. Pacey's watched as Dawson's face changed from jealousy to anger as they both caught a peek of her now naked butt under her short skirt as Chris carried her around on his shoulder.

"Chris!" she was laughing.

"Not on your life Potter."

Pacey felt the bile rising in the back of his throat. He turned to the toilet and threw up

Now

"Bessie, I have nothing to say to you." Pacey said opening the door to find Bessie standing there.

"That's funny because I have a lot to say to you."

Pacey walked away from the door but left it open. Bessie followed him.

"Pacey, why haven't you been to see her since she woke up?"

He sat down at the kitchen table and put his head in his hands.

"Bessie, you have no right to judge me. You don't know what happened."

"I know you made a mess Pacey, and then you left her to clean it up."

"Whatever mess we had, meant shit to her. Whatever mess she was in, well, she obviously thought she had it all figured out."

Bessie's face filled with confusion.

"You don't know, do you? I'm just going to go" Bessie turned and left the room.

"Know what? What are you talking about?" Pacey asked following behind her. "You can't say that to a person and then leave!"

Bessie opened the door and turned back to look at Pacey. "You have to know you caused this Pacey. You need to take responsibility for your actions."

"You know what Bessie ... I can almost guarantee you that if you'd believed Joey when your boyfriend raped her, none of us would be standing here right now. So how about you worry a little more about your part in what happened, and a little less about mine." Pacey abruptly turned away and came face to face with his father.

Then  
January 2001

"Okay Dawson. I'm gonna head home and get ready for the party." Joey said standing up.

"Come on Joey, why don't you cancel the party and stay here with me?" he asked, giving her puppy-dog eyes.

"What and watch you be sick all night? No thanks!"

"Joey?" he asked taking her hands. "I can trust you right?"

Joey laughed nervously as she pulled her hands away from him. "Dawson, don't worry so much. Everything will be fine. Don't worry!"

She grabbed her backpack, flustered, and almost ran into Pacey.

"Pacey hey," she said keeping her eyes on the floor. "You coming tonight?"

"Nah, I'm going to pass."

"Okay, see you around. Bye Dawson." Joey left the room and closed the door.

"What the hell is with you two?"

"Nothing's with us. Here's your homework." Pacey tossed a book on the bed and sat down on the chair by his bed. It was still warm from Joey sitting there.

"Hey Pacey, I don't know what's going on with you guys. But, do you think you could go to that party tonight?"

Pacey groaned. "What to baby-sit your girlfriend? Dawson if you don't trust her then you should break up with her."

"You know I can't do that Pace. Break up with her? Pacey that's not even an option in my life. Listen, tonight isn't even about not trusting her, it's... I don't know how to say this…"

Pacey watched as Dawson nervously fiddled with his sheets. Pacey's heart skipped a beat… did Dawson know something?

"She's freaking me out. I thought… I don't know what I thought…"

"Dawson, you've got to let me know what we're talking about here."

Dawson took a deep breath. "She slit her wrists again. A while ago. And I thought maybe it wasn't that big of deal. But lately… I'm just scared she's going to do something stupid. And I don't know what to do."

"Did she say anything?"

"I've found her at least a dozen times bawling, telling me she wishes she could just disappear. That she doesn't belong anywhere anymore. I don't know how to explain it Pace, it's more what she isn't saying that's scaring me. I'm just… I'm really worried. Can you please just go tonight? Keep an eye on her?"

Pacey felt himself agreeing, despite the conscious decision to say no.

88

"God this is crazy!" Andie ducked as a beach ball went flying by her head. "Remind me again why we're here?"

"This is supposed to be fun!" Pacey grabbing his fourth beer off of a table and chugging it as he watched Joey and Chris chatting in the corner.

"These parties keep getting crazier and crazier! What are you two fighting about anyways?" Andie asked following Pacey's gaze.

"Huh? Andie we're not fighting."

"Which is why you two have gone from being practically inseparable to not even speaking. And while we're on the subject of Joey, what the hell is up with her and Chris? When did they become so close? Is she sleeping with him? Does Dawson even care?" Andie carefully watched Pacey's reaction.

"Can we talk about something else?"

"Maybe if you could stop staring at her… Pace?"

He watched as Chris grabbed Joey's arm, apparently yelling at her. She yelled something back and Chris stormed out of the room. Joey took a deep breath and opened the front door and walked outside.

"I'm just going to make sure she's okay," he said softly.

"Sure Pacey, I'll be here." Andie sank into the couch as she watched Pacey leave the room.

88

Joey lay back into the light layer of snow on the dock. It felt nice and cool against her warm skin. She wished she could just disappear into it. She closed her eyes, focusing on her breath as she imagined just slowly drifting away into nothing. What it would be like to not have to breathe anymore.

"Joey?" Pacey asked walking to the end of the dock.

"What do you want?" She didn't move, she didn't even open her eyes. She was shivering in the snow. He sat down next to her, his eyes slowly traveling the length of her body.

"Where's your coat? Where are your shoes? Joey, it's freezing out."

"Huh? Yeah…"

"Joey, what's going on with you? "

Joey sat up and looked at him. Her eyes were wide and blood shot. He took his jacket off and draped it on her shoulders.

"Nothing's going on. You know, nothing. Your favorite word" she mumbled

Pacey took her hand, pushed up her sleeve and sighed examining the long red slashes all over her arms and wrists.

"Nothing? I thought you'd stopped doing this Jo! Please tell me what's going on with you. Talk to me like I'm a friend, and not Pacey."

She sighed as she stared out at the water, her eyes glazed over. "So there's this guy; that I'm completely in love with. Only he keeps pushing me away. And now he's with someone else and I'm realizing just how little I meant to him."

"Maybe, he just couldn't stand to see how quickly he was replaced." Pacey said bitterly as he stood up. "Come inside Jo."

Joey jumped to her feet. "How quickly you were replaced? You would see it like that!" Her almost emotionless face suddenly filled with rage. The rage disappeared as quickly as it came, this time replaced with hysterical laughter.

"Joey what the hell?"

Her eyes were wild she looked so… unhinged. She opened her mouth, as if she was going to say something, and then she bolted. She dropped his jacket and she ran.

Pacey ran after her, stopping to pick up his coat along the way. He then watched as she fell into Chris's waiting arms. He caught up to them and glared at Chris.

Chris opened the door and helped Joey inside. Pacey followed them.

"Pacey, it's cool, I've got her."

"What did you give her? What the fuck is she on?" Pacey demanded as he followed Chris and Joey up the stairs.

"Honestly Pacey," Chris said wearily "I have no fucking idea. She's the one with access, not me." Chris opened the bedroom door and sat Joey down on her bed.

Pacey followed them into the bedroom, unable to turn away. He watched as Chris gently smoothed Joey's hair.

"Chris, I'm so cold," she whispered.

"I know baby, we'll get you into the shower and then you'll feel better." Chris peeled away her sweater and then turned and looked at Pacey.

"You still here Witter? The last thing she needs is you."

"I know," Pacey mumbled as his eyes lingered on the red gashes on her arms. Pacey felt tears in his eyes as he watched Joey cling to Chris as he helped her into the bathroom.

Chris turned and glared at Pacey. "Seriously Pacey, quit fucking with her head and get the fuck out of here." He slammed the bathroom door behind him. Pacey stood frozen, unable to move.

"Come on Joey, you're freezing, the shower will warm you up."

"I thought that was your job."

The room was spinning as Pacey backed out of the room, knocking over a framed photo on her bookshelf. He tried to ignore the symbolism as a frame containing a semi dance picture of Andie, Joey, Dawson and himself fell to the floor and shattered.


	16. Chapter 16

**Thanks for the feedback! Really wish I'd had a beta for this part - so if anyone is interested please let me know!**

 **Please keep feedback coming - especially from Guest1 who never fails to make me laugh!**

 **Now**

"Hey Pace," Andie said walking up to where he was sitting on his front steps and sitting down next to him. He raised his red eyes to meet hers.

"Let's go out."

"You want to go out?" Andie shook her head. "Pacey, I think that's the last thing you need."

"I think it's exactly what I need. Isn't there a graduation party somewhere?"

88

Chris made his way through the crowd of people. His eyes scanning the yard for one person. He breathed a sigh of relief as he focused on her.

"Lindley," he said as she found her way to his arms.

"How are you doing?" Jen asked reluctantly pulling away from his embrace.

"I'm not gonna lie. I've been better. I just, I keep thinking about the prom. Wondering if I should have done something different. If I could have changed things." Chris said softly as he sat down on the porch swing.

Jen smiled slightly as she sat down next to him. "I know exactly what you mean."

"This whole thing… it's just so unreal. I mean if you'd told me a year ago that I'd be here…"

"In love with her," Jen finished.

Chris choked. "Jen, I'd rather not talk about it."

"But you're not denying it," Jen stated, trying to find the tears she felt in her eyes.

"I think she's got enough men vying for her attention," Chris said kicking the porch with his foot as he moved the swing.

"Well one less now," Jen muttered. Her eyes widened. "God, that sounded awful."

Chris pulled Jen towards him, she laid her head against his chest. She sighed, enjoying the feeling of his arm around her. Jen suddenly felt Chris tense up. She sat up and looked at him, his eyes filling with anger.

Jen followed Chris's gaze to where Pacey and Andie were standing. Chris stood up. "What the hell is he doing here?"

"Pacey, maybe you should slow it down." Andie watched as Pacey grabbed a couple of tequila shots off a tray that was being passed around. He smiled at Andie as he did each shot in succession, tossing the empty shot cups on the ground.

"And maybe you should back off," Pacey replied nastily. He instantly regretted his harshness as he saw the look of hurt cross her face. "I'm sorry Andie. I just need to forget for a little while."

Pacey turned to look for the keg, and his face connected with Chris's fist.

"What the hell are you doing here you asshole?" Chris screamed as he punched Pacey again. Pacey staggered back.

Pacey brought his hands up to his face to defend himself. "Chris… what the hell?"

"How dare you show your face here after what you did to her?" Chris punched him again, blood dripping down his fist as it left Pacey's face.

"Chris!" Jen exclaimed breathlessly as she caught up to Chris. "He doesn't know."

Chris stared, dazed at Jen. "What do you mean?"

"What are you talking about?" Pacey asked bringing his sleeve to his face to wipe away the blood.

"Well maybe someone should enlighten him, and his girlfriend." Chris said glancing over at Andie, her eyes wide.

"Chris don't…"

"She was pregnant Pacey" Chris interrupted. He watched as Pacey's face paled. The bastard really didn't know?

Andie opened her mouth but no sound came out.

"Yeah, it wasn't mine," Pacey muttered, regaining his composure.

Jen reached out to Pacey and put her hand on her shoulder. "Yes it was Pace," she said gently.

"In fact… I believe I was witness to the end of the conception," Chris said bitterly.

Pacey swallowed hard. "No, no…" He locked eyes with Andie, she looked like a deer caught in headlights. And then she ran. Pacey looked from Jen to Chris and then took off after her.

 **Then**

 **Feb 2001**

"What's going on guys?" Andie asked, entering Joey's living room and looking around at the small group of guys who had joined them. "I thought we were having a girls sleep over?"

"Slight change of plans," Jen giggled as Chris's friend Warren wrapped his arm around her. "The boys crashed. We're going to play truth dare or double dare!"

Andie hesitantly sat down and took the beer Joey offered her. Joey leaned into Andie and whispered, "Do you want one of my special brownies? No pressure."

Andie took a deep breath and looked around the room. She hesitantly nodded and Joey passed her a brownie. Andie took a bite, surprised to find the brownie delicious. She quickly finished the brownie, as Jen and Joey giggled with the boys.

"Now is it time for Truth or Dare?" Jen suggested, an evil glint in her eye.

"Hell yeah,"' Warren said, raising his eyebrow at Jen.

She giggled as Joey rolled her eyes. "Jen, what is with you and your love for this game? If you want to kiss me that bad, just ask." Joey teased as she stuck her tongue out at Jen.

"On that note… Joey I dare you to kiss Jen," Warren laughed as he glanced over at Chris. Chris was watching with an amused look on his face.

Joey leaned over to Jen, pressing her lips against Jens, deepening the kiss as she heard the guys cheering. Jen's tongue gently probing her mouth, and Joey returned with her tongue.

"Woo," Chris, Warren and Rob cheered as Andie looked embarrassed.

"Chris, truth or dare?" Warren asked as the girls lips parted.

Chris shrugged "Truth I guess." The last thing he wanted was anything that involved him touching Joey, he wasn't sure he could handle that.

"Just how good is Potter in the sack?" Warren grinned.

Chris shrugged her shoulders. "I wouldn't know."

"What?" Rob asked, his face dropping in surprise. "You two seriously aren't fucking?"

He looked to Joey. "Come on, the whole point of this game is you have to be honest. You really aren't?"

"Sorry to disappoint you guys. Aside from a couple drunk kisses while I was broken up with Dawson, which Chris stopped because I was shitfaced … sorry hope this doesn't ruin your rep?."

Chris moved awkwardly in his seat. "If my rep involves taking advantage of drunk women then I think I'd like to ruin it. Can we drop this?"

Warren turned to Joey. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare."

Chris knew what was coming before the words left Warren's lips. "I dare you to kiss Chris for ten seconds."

Joey's eyes flickered over to Chris. "That okay with you?" she asked softly. He nodded his head slowly, as if he didn't care. She slowly walked over to him, straddling his legs with hers. She placed her lips on his, Chris hesitantly parted his lips as she deepened the kiss. Despite his best efforts to hide his arousal - her pelvis was pressed against his and he knew she felt it. She slowly pulled away from him as she heard Warren finally utter the word "Ten." She stared at Chris, her mouth slightly open. This kiss was nothing like the drunken kisses they had shared many months ago. This kiss meant something.

"I have to go," she muttered jumping out of his lap and running up the stairs.

Chris looked to Warren. "So that was fun," he said, his voice full of sarcasm. "I'm going to go outside."

Warren looked over to Jen. "I'm going to go apologize, I'll be back."

Rob looked to the girls, "I dare you two to kiss while we wait."

"I think the games over Rob," Jen sighed.

"Oh what, you can kiss Joey but not me?" Andie teased hitting Jen with her elbow.

Jen giggled as she planted her lips on Andie. "Happy?"

"I'm pretty sure Joey got toungue," Rob offered, enjoying the show.

Andie looked to Jen, "should we go check on Joey?"

Jen nodded and stood up. "Why don't you go check on Chris?" she said to Rob. She and Andie walked up the stairs to Joey's room. Jen felt her heart racing, wondering what was taking Joey so long. Wasn't it enough that Dawson, Pacey and obviously Chris were in love with her. Did she have to take Warren too?

Jen bust Joey's bedroom door open, her jaw dropping slightly at the sight in front of her. Joey and Warren were sitting on Joey's bed, doing a line of coke.

"You guys want in?" Joey asked casually, as she brought her hand to her nose to wipe it.

"What the fuck guys?" Jen asked, her hands to her hips.

"Oh come on," Warren protested. "I thought you were a party girl Jen! Why don't you join us?"

Jen met Joey's red eyes. "Joey, I think maybe it's time for the boys to leave?"

Joey nodded her head as she looked at her two friends. "Please don't tell Pacey," she said, her voice only a whisper. Andie felt Jen's eyes on her as she swallowed loudly. She felt like she should feel more surprised her boyfriend's name was the first on Joey's lips, and yet she wasn't. She nodded her head.

"Alright, we're off to find a better party," Warren sighed, taking a small baggie off of Joey's bed, and then a folded up paper bag off her night stand. He tossed a wad of cash in her direction. "Thanks Joey."

Jen sat on the bed next to Joey. "Joey, what is going on with you?"

Joey let a sob out as Jen wrapped her arms around her. "I just… I don't want this life anymore Jen. I don't want me. I don't want him. I just don't want to be here anymore."

Jen shot Andie a worried look as Andie watched the two friends, feeling like an outsider. And Andie couldn't help wonder, if the him in question was Pacey.

88

"No Joey?" Andie asked as she sat in her seat at the lunch table.

"No, she's out I think," Pacey said, taking a large bite of his sandwich.

"She was out yesterday too," Andie said carefully. "And Dawson's away on that film trip this week."

"And your point would be what exactly?" Pacey asked, placing his sandwich down and turning towards her.

"I feel like I need to tell you something Pacey. But I promised her I wouldn't."

"What is it Andie," Pacey asked gruffly.

"So you know how Jen and I spent saturday night at Joey's?"

Pacey nodded his head and waited for Andie to continue.

"A couple of guys crashed the party. And we caught Joey doing coke," she said softly, cringing as she spoke the words.

"What?" Pacey asked, his face shocked. "Andie, you weren't going to tell me?"

"She specifically said not to tell you. But then she was out Monday and today and… she was saying that she didn't want to be here anymore. Honestly Pacey, I'm feeling pretty afraid for her."

"I'll go check on her," he said softly, his face tight.

"Are you mad at me?" Andie asked hesitantly.

"I just wish you told me. I'll see you later," he leaned over and kissed her on her cheek, and then quickly rushed out of the lunch room.

88

"You're doing fucking coke?" he spat as he thrust open her bedroom door, only in mid thrust did it occur to him she might not be alone. He sighed, relieved, as he saw her sitting at her desk, dressed only in his blue button down shirt. Her feet were up on her desk and she was tapping her feet to the beat of the radio.

Joey jumped up from the chair she was sitting in. "Jesus Christ Pacey, you scared the shit out of me!"

"Well maybe if your doors were locked like they should be," he snapped.

She sighed. "Good news Pacey, you've moved on. You don't have to worry about me anymore."

He took a step towards her. "Well obviously I didn't get the memo. Andie told me that you were talking about wanting to die? And doing coke? I left school in the middle of the day and rushed over here because I was worried. Because I do care about you. No matter what, I will always care about you. Now what the fuck is going on and why aren't you at school?"

She tucked her hair behind her ears. "It's not what you think. I actually just have good old fashion strep throat. I'll be back at school tomorrow. So sorry to ruin your little hero routine, but I'm fine."

"Are you really?" he asked reaching out and touching her face. She closed her eyes as he touched her.

"No, not at all," she said, her voice cracking as she spoke. "Not even a little bit."

He pulled her against him, his hands roaming her back as he held her tight.

"I was scared… that you had hurt yourself. I need you to promise me something Jo," he said softly, loving the feeling her body against his.

He took his hand to her face and tilted it up so she was looking at him. "I need to promise me that you will never… that you will never on purpose not be here anymore. Promise me you won't kill yourself"

Her eyes widened. "Pace," she said softly.

"Promise me. I need you to promise me."

She hesitantly nodded her head. "As long as I know that you don't hate me, that despite it all, you still care, I can make that promise."

"Are you still contagious?" he said, a slight smile on his face.

She shook her head. "Nope, I've been on antibiotics for twenty four hours. I'll be back at sch…"

He covered her lips with his, frantically kissing her as if her life depended on it. "I can't lose you, understand?" he said in between kisses.

"I understand," she whispered as his hands unbuttoned her shirt. It fell to the floor leaving her naked in front of him.

"God Jo," he sighed. Two simple words that said everything he was unable to say. He bent down, covering her nipples with his mouth. She moaned slightly as he slowly moved his mouth down to her stomach. She laughed as his lips tickled her. He smiled as he returned his mouth to her lips.

"God I've missed you Potter," he breathed.

"I've missed you too. More than you'll ever know," she removed his shirt as she spoke, her hands roaming his chest. Desperate for his touch.

He took her hand and kissed it lightly. He slowly moved his lips up her arm, depositing small kisses along the way. "Let's never not talk again. I'll be a better listener. I'll be a better friend. I promise."

88

He held her close as he came. As she came with him. As they came together. Knowing full well that he hadn't just had sex with her; he had made love to her. Somehow despite his efforts to keep his feelings in check, he had just revealed his heart.

88

Chris ran up the stairs, carrying a bouquet of sunflowers. He smiled as he imagined Joey's face lighting up when she saw them. How could sunflowers not cheer someone up? He could hear the radio playing in her room.  
 **  
88**

Pacey's hands roamed her back as she sat, naked, straddling him. "Care for a second time?" He raised his eyebrows at her. She bit her lip as she pretending to consider it.

Pacey sighed. That did it. He was going to tell her how he felt.

88  
 **  
**"Oh Miss Josephine, love of my life." Chris sang as he walked through the door they'd forgotten to close.

Joey froze momentarily as she heard Chris's voice. Then she sprung into action, trying to cover herself with a blanket.

The second he entered the room time seemed to stand still. There she was, beautiful as ever, naked, on top of _him_. He closed his eyes as he watched her scrambling for the covers. The flowers fell out of his hand to the ground. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't move.

"I'm sorry," he stuttered as he turned and ran. His tears blinding him as he tripped down the stairs.

88

"Sorry Joey – I didn't mean to run into your next appointment," Pacey said harshly. He stood up and tossed her a shirt. She pulled it over her head, fighting her tears.

"Pacey, that's not…"

"Save it… I got what I came here for." Pacey furiously pulled on his jeans and shirt.

"Pacey," she said helplessly, reaching her hand out to him.

"Don't touch me," he snapped.

"Pacey you know this meant more…"

"It's just sex Jo. Just sex."

"You promised me… you literally just promised me you'd be a better listener. A better friend" she could hear the desperation in her voice as she spoke.

"I guess some promises just can't be kept Jo," he said sadly. She sank to the ground as she watched him walk out of her life. Once again.

She let the tears fall, realizing at least one good thing had come of this. He had broken his promise, which meant that she could break hers.


	17. Chapter 17

**I'm so confused - I could have sworn I posted this update but it looks like it must not have. Some of my edits aren't here as well. I hopefully found everything that needs changing. Hopefully this update won't make Guest1 break an iPad!**

 **Now**

Joey looked up as Pacey walked into the room. His eyes swollen as if he'd been crying.

"Pacey," she said softly. She didn't meet his eyes. She couldn't.

"Is it true?" he asked, his voice raspy.

"Is what true?" She closed her eyes. He knew.

"Was it mine?" His voice anger laced with hurt.

She shook her head, looking out the window.

"I don't want to talk about it." She watched the clouds as they moved outside the window; her pulse thundering in her ears.

"Fine. I'll just go home and read your diary."

She sighed. He slowly allowed his eyes to glide along her body. She almost disappeared into the bed. She looked so thin, so helpless. Her head was still turned away from him.

"It wasn't yours," she said, the lie easily falling from her lips.

She heard a noise escape from his mouth. As if he was in physical pain.

"Yeah. That's what I thought."

She didn't watch him as he left, she'd seen it so often she had it memorized by heart.

 **March 2001**

"I thought Pacey and Andie were joining us for movie night?" Joey asked, tossing her backpack on the floor next to Dawson's bed.

Dawson laughed. "I think they're um… busy tonight."

"Huh?"

"Pacey said they're getting a hotel room. Oh and if anyone asks… Andie spent the night at your place."

Joey fought back the tears as she pictured Pacey, naked above her, and then above Andie.

"You okay Joey?" Dawson asked taking her hand.

"Of course Dawson. Put the movie in."

88

Dawson looked up at Joey as she hit the stop button on the remote. "What are you doing? The movie's not over yet!"

Joey sighed. "She dies in the end. I'd rather stop it now."

Dawson laughed. "Too bad there's no stop button on life!" He stopped laughing when he noticed how serious she looked. "What?"

"There is a stop button Dawson." She glanced down at her wrists.

"Joey, I hate it when you talk like this."

"You want me not to tell you how I feel? Is that what you're saying?"

"I don't know Joey," Dawson reached out and took her hand. She pulled it away from him.

Dawson sighed. "Jo. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't know what else to tell you."

"Dawson… I…"

"Do you love me?"

She looked into his eyes. And she remembered falling in love with him. She so much wanted to be the girl he thought she was. He looked at her so gently. Like he loved her. She sat up and slowly began unbuttoning her shirt. Dawson's eyes widened.

"Jo, what are you…"

"I'm showing you how much I love you."

Her hands trembled as she removed her top.

88

Dawson pulled a condom out of his wallet as Joey waited, naked and shivering on the bed. Joey glanced at the condom, the package was frayed and faded.

"How long have you been carrying this around?" Joey asked pulling the package out of his hand and examining the worn wrapper cautiously. Dawson snatched the condom out of her hand.

"It's fine Jo," Dawson exclaimed ripping the package and removing the condom.

Joey watched Dawson's face, serious with concentration as he attempted to put the condom on. She sighed and took it out of his hand. She flipped it around and rolled it down him. He watched her in amazement.

"Dawson, we put a condom on a banana in health class every year. How could you not know how to do it?"

 _She didn't learn that in health class._

He met her eyes as he clumsily guided himself into her. He expected to see fear, desire, but all he saw was nothing. He softly kissed her on the lips.

"I love you" he whispered softly.

Joey opened her mouth to answer, but realized if she said anything, she was going to be sick.. She closed her eyes tightly and concentrated on fighting the nausea that overcame her as Dawson panted in her ear.

"Dawson, I'm sorry, stop," she said, her voice so quiet she wasn't sure she had spoken the words out loud. He froze, withdrawing himself from her.

"Don't be sorry Jo, I love you for trying."

"I'm sorry," she said as she shoved him off of her. "I'm going to be sick. It's not you… it's just.." her hands flew to her mouth as she took off to the bathroom.

She emptied the contents of her stomach as she tried to block the image of Dawson's face, the feel of his hands, and the love in his eyes. All she could feel were his hands all over her; hands that felt like a brother's and not a lover's. She wiped the sweat off her forehead and pressed her face against the cool porcelain of the toilet.

"Make it stop," she whispered. "I need it to stop."

88

Pacey glanced over at Andie as he drove. "What time did you tell your dad to pick you up at Jen's?"

"Oh I said Joey's," Andie said nonchalantly. Pacey sighed as he turned onto Joey's road.

"I thought you were going to say Jen's."

"What's the big deal Pacey?" Andie asked.

"Nothing Andie."

Pacey pulled into her driveway, praying he could just drop Andie off without seeing Joey. No such luck. Joey was sitting outside on her steps. Andie leaned over to Pacey and kissed him passionately. Pacey tried to break off the kiss without alarming Andie.

"Come on Andie… your dad's going to be here soon to pick you up. I've got to get going."

Andie grabbed her bag out of Pacey's car and walked over to where Joey was sitting on the stairs. Joey took Andie's bag and raised her eyes to meet Pacey's. Her eyes were full of anger. He tried to smile apologetically, but she looked away before he could. She turned to Andie and gave her a huge smile.

88

"Hey D." Pacey said walking to the end of the dock and sitting down next to him. "What are you doing out here?"

"Just thinking. How was your night?" Dawson turned to face Pacey. Pacey noticed his eyes were red, like he'd been crying.

"It was okay. What's wrong Dawson?"

"Joey and I had sex last night." Dawson said softly, staring down at the water.

Pacey inhaled sharply. "And?"

"I'm assuming if the girl stops you in the middle of it to go barf, then there's probably something you haven't done right?"

"Shit Dawson, really?" Pacey asked, his heart aching for Joey.

He shook his head sadly. "I think I just have to realize that that will never be part of my relationship with her. She might just be too broken."

"Dawson, I'm sure eventually…" Pacey said his voice trailing off.

"That's okay Pace. She and I have something more important than sex… right?"

Pacey nodded his head. What Dawson and Joey had better be more important, he'd bet his heart on it

88

"So how was last night?" Joey asked handing Andie an ice-tea.

"Well I finally got laid!" Andie exclaimed taking the glass and gulping it loudly.

Joey plastered a fake smile on my face. "That's great Andie! This wasn't your first time together though, right?"

Andie looked at Joey, a confused look on her face. "Yeah it was. He wasn't interested in sex forever, and now finally he was, but it just wasn't what I thought it would be like."

"I hear that," Joey said softly. "I tried with Dawson last night but it just didn't happen. And now I've got to go back over there for dinner and I'm just not sure I can face him… or his parents."

Andie reached out and held her friend's hand. "Maybe we should just become lesbians? I shared a pretty hot kiss with Jen you know?"

Joey laughed. "Andie, my friend, you are a genius."

88

Joey sat up in her bed, glancing at the clock. She was supposed to have been at Dawson's for five and it was already almost five thirty. She struggled to her feet, wondering if she'd slept enough to hide effects of the pills she had taken.

88

"Joey, perfectly on time," Mrs Leery said as Joey walked into the kitchen. Joey slumped into her seat, avoiding Dawson's eyes. "Here have some chicken."

Joey took the platter of chicken and piled piece upon piece onto her plate. "I think that's enough chicken Jo," Dawson said gently. Joey stared at her plate of chicken, the dizziness overwhelming her. Everything felt hazy and fuzzy and she was regretting coming over. She put a piece of chicken in her mouth, chewing once or twice until she felt it fall out of her mouth.

"I think I need to go," she mumbled, feeling the Leery's staring at her.

"Joey, are you okay?" Mrs Leery asked concerned. "What's going on with you?"

"This is really embarrassing. They've got me on a new antidepressant and it's obviously not a good one," the lie falling easily from her lips. " I'm just going to go home. I'll call my doctor in the morning. I'm so sorry for ruining dinner."

"Oh Joey," Mrs Leery said as Joey stood up. She walked over to her and hugged her tightly. "You didn't ruin anything. I'm sorry you're not feeling well. Maybe you should stay here?"

Joey fought the urge to pull away from her hug. "No I think I just want my own bed. I'm sorry again."

88

"Joey?" Dawson asked, slowly entering her room. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay?

"Dawson," she whispered softly. He walked over to her and stood at the side of her bed.

"I need you to know Jo, I totally understand what happened last night. I'm willing to wait. I'll wait forever if I have to. I love you. You get that, right?"

She took a deep breath, searching her brain for how Dawson's Joey would respond. She reached her hand out to his jeans button. She undid it and slowly slid his pants off of him.

"Joey, you don't need to do this," he said, her dull eyes looking up at him.

"I can at least do this, Just don't touch me." she said sliding his boxers off of him, revealing his hardness. She closed her eyes tightly as she took him in her mouth. She was thankful for the fuzzyness that still hadn't worn off as she expertly completed the job at hand.

"Jo, I'm gonna cum," he whispered, his voice strained. He came in her mouth, moaning loudly as he did. Without a word she wiped her mouth and turned away from him.

"You're amazing Joey," he said filling the silence as he pulled up his pants. "But please don't ever feel like you have to do that…" He climbed into bed next to her, wrapping his arms around her. He listened to her breathing, uneven as if she was trying not to cry.


	18. Chapter 18

**And it begins going downhill fast for poor Joey! Please keep the reviews coming!**

 **Now**

Pacey closed the door and fell to the ground. Of course it wasn't his. She was never his. He once again replayed his conversation with Joey that night. She'd tried to tell him. She'd tried to tell him everything, but he'd pushed her away. Just like every other time she tried to talk to him. He'd promised her, and more importantly himself that he wouldn't let anyone hurt her. And instead he had become the worst person he knew.

"I thought I'd find you here."

Pacey looked up to see Andie standing there.

"I was just on my way to see Dawson, would you like to join me?" she asked softly. Pacey studied her, looking for some sense of anger or forgiveness.

He nodded and stood up. Nothing he had imagined had prepared him for the site of his best friend thin, pale and attached to a machine. He inhaled sharply. The air was so stagnant he couldn't breath. He felt Andie's hand slip into his. He allowed her to lead him over to the bed.

She reached out and touched Dawson's hand softly, gently, almost lovingly.

"You were in love with him?"

Andie looked up at Pacey and laughed softly. "You'd like that, wouldn't you? You wouldn't have to feel so guilty would you Pace? Well guess what… I'm in love with you."

"Andie, I'm so so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Or Joey," he glanced down at Dawson, "and I never meant to hurt Dawson. Do you think he knew?"

Andie shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe he just pretended he didn't see what was right in front of him. Maybe he thought if he didn't admit it to himself it would go away. Or maybe he really never knew what great liars his best friends were."

 **Then**

April 2001

"Josephine, I need to talk to you."

Joey turned her swollen eyes to her guidance counselor. "I'm sort of in a rush."

"I just wanted to know why you haven't let me know which college you'll be attending."

"Oh yeah… UCLA with Dawson" Joey said tossing her an empty smile.

"Josephine, I thought we had discussed some other options that made more sense for you? Are you sure? And we need to talk about your grades."

"Yeah, I'm sure… Later.. I've got to go…" she turned away from her and bolted towards the bathroom.

"Joey?" Jen asked as Joey sprinted by her into the bathroom. She looked at Andie and the two girls followed her into the bathroom. Joey was on her knees in a stall throwing up.

"God Joey, this is the 3rd time this week. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were pregnant!" Andie teased as she laughed.

Joey opened the stall and walked over to the sink, she splashed her face with cold water. She slowly met Jen's eyes in the mirror. Jen's eyes which held the same thing that she just realized. Everything added up, the dizziness, the throwing up, the missed period.

She ran back to the toilet and threw up again.

88

"Joey? You in here? Joey?" Chris called into her bedroom. He knocked on her bathroom door. "Joey?" He hesitantly opened her bathroom door, peering cautiously around it. She was sitting naked on her shower floor, he could see her shivering through the glass.

"Joey, come on. Come out of there." He picked up her towel and wrapped her in it as she stepped out of the shower. "What happened?"

"The worst possible thing," she sniffled.

88

"Hey Jo, you okay? Where were you all day?" Dawson asked as he walked into Joey's dark bedroom and sat on the bed next to her.

"I just didn't feel that good," she said softly. She winced as he turned on the light.

"You don't look so good."

"Dawson, I'm going to do it. I just… I can't be here anymore."

"Jo, come on, there's nothing in your life that's that bad." Dawson said lightly.

"You don't know everything."

"Come on, I know everything about you!" Dawson laughed as he reached out his hand towards hers.

Her eyes met his with a look of pure anger. "You don't know anything."

Dawson swallowed as he looked into eyes. "So then explain it to me. What is so bad in you life that you'd want to end it. Is it about what he tried to do to you? Because we can work through that. I thought we were. Jo, I love you, you can tell me anything."

"I need you to hear the words that are coming out of my mouth."

Dawson pulled her against him and lightly stroked her hair. "I can't live without you," he whispered against her ear. "Wherever you go, I'm going too"

She closed her eyes tightly, and wished that the tremor that passed through her body wasn't because he was so close to her.

88

Pacey watched as Joey sat closely with Chris by the fire. Chris had his arms tightly wrapped around her.

"She's not very subtle is she? It's like she's trying to get caught," Pacey muttered and he watched Chris bring his lips to her forehead and then to her lips.

"It's not what it looks like. They aren't sleeping together," Andie stated, taking a sip of her beer.

"What do you mean? Of course they are sleeping together," Pacey said tightly.

"At that party at Joey's last month, we played truth or dare. I can guarantee you that they both admitted to never sleeping together."

"Andie," Pacey said gently. "I think they are better liars than you give them credit for."

Andie sighed. "I'm not a moron Pacey. I am telling you, she would have admitted it if it was the truth. She said they had some drunken kisses the week she was broken up with Dawson and that was it. They were dared to kiss, and there is no way they faked that kiss. It wasn't the kiss of two people that were fucking!"

He shrugged his shoulders as he turned back to the couple. "Andie look at them, they are fucking."

"Maybe she's just had a lot to drink tonight. Or on something else. I think you need to go make sure she's okay."

Pacey studied Andie; once again wondering if she knew. "Okay."

He walked over to the fire nervously. Joey and Chris looked up at him. Chris's eyes were full of anger.

"Jo, can I talk to you?"

Joey glanced over at Chris. He nodded slightly. Pacey tried to control the wave of fury and jealousy that passed through him as he watched the exchange. Joey stood up and followed Pacey towards the water.

"What is it Pacey? "

"What's going on with you? You know this is going to get back to Dawson."

Her eyes blazed with anger. "You lost all right to offer advice on my life a long time ago."

"You want to get caught. You want to do something to force him to break up with you. That's what you and I were about. That's what we've always been about."

"Fuck you Pacey. If I wanted you and me to get caught, don't you think it would have happened? You know that's not what we were about" Joey said softly. She stumbled as she began walking away from him.

"Joey wait, come on, it doesn't have to be like this."

She defiantly met his eyes. "Really? Go back to your girlfriend Pacey. Tell her I'm fine and she doesn't need to worry about me. I know she sent you to baby-sit. Go away Pacey!"

"Jo – Jo come out of the water!" Pacey exclaimed as Joey stumbled into the water and splashed it on her body. Pacey stood motionless as he watched her sink down into the freezing water and cover her body with it.

"Witter – what the hell's wrong with you man?" Chris asked as he pushed past Pacey and into the water.

"Is she okay?" Andie asked appearing at Pacey's side. Pacey shook his head as he watched Chris carry Joey out of the water.

"I don't know McPhee… I don't know."


	19. Chapter 19

Okay - this is "the end". Only it's really just the beginning of Joey's story. If you'd like to read the rest of it - please review!

(Also I made some changes since I posted part 1 and I don't see how to edit it anymore - so the dialogue doesn't quite line up but it should)

 **Now**

Bessie walked into Joey's room and tossed an envelope on her chest. "I found this at the restaurant this morning, addressed to you. I'm assuming from Dad. I almost kept it, there's obviously money in there. Why don't you open it Jo, what's the going rate for guilt about your daughter trying to commit suicide and failing?"

Joey turned away from Bessie. "Bessie, get out."

"I can't believe you told Pacey that Bodie raped you," Bessie said, her voice angry "You and I both know what happened!"

"Bessie, I was fourteen. I'd like to know on what planet you think that I was an active participant in what he did. I know he's the father of your child, but he is not a good person Bess. I can't believe you're still with him!"

"Of course I'm still with him. He told me all about how you seduced him, so don't you play innocent with me."

"Bessie, get the fuck out. I never want to see you again. Ever. Understand?" Joey asked, her body shaking.

"The feeling's mutual," Bessie snapped back. She turned her back and stomped out of Joey's room.

88

Pacey placed the diary on his bed, not even noticing his entire body shaking. He had to talk to her. He had to figure out if what she wrote was true.

He wiped the tears from his eyes and pulled a shirt over his head. The phone rang as he put his hand on the door. He listened to it ring twice and then picked it up.

 **Then**

May 2001

"Joey, that's not nearly enough cash. What do you need two guns for? If you need someone hurt, you just let me know," Billy said gruffly, looking up from the cash on the table.

Joey shook her head. "I just need the guns. How much more do I need?"

Billy tapped his crotch. "I'm willing to work something out with you."

She took a deep breath. What did it matter? She was already dead anyway.

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Dawson's breath caught as Joey walked down the stairs.

"Joey, you look incredible!" he pulled her tightly against him. She smiled as she pulled away from him and grabbed her backpack out of the closet. Dawson took the backpack from her hands and almost dropped it as the weight transferred from her hands to his.

"God Jo, what have you got in here?"

She smiled at him, her eyes shining.

"Jo – you really want to do this tonight?"

"Dawson, I am doing this tonight. I'm not going to have this conversation again."

Dawson sighed as she opened the door and started to the car. She couldn't be serious. There was no way she was serious. He unzipped the bag and glanced in. The bag contained two guns.

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Joey clutched Dawson's hand tightly as they walked into the ballroom together.

"Have I mentioned how beautiful you look tonight Joey?" Dawson asked trying to smile at her. He wondered how two people so in love could feel so far apart.

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"And now to introduce Capeside's prom king and queen. Dawson Leery and Josephine Potter."

Joey felt dizzy as she felt Dawson guide her up to the podium. She scanned the crowd, wondering who was crazy enough to vote her and Dawson king and queen of the prom.

"Thank you," she mumbled into the microphone.

Dawson tilted the microphone up. "There comes a time in every teenagers life where they realize that…"

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Pacey watched as Dawson wrapped his arms around Joey and they swayed to the music. Damn she looked beautiful. Damn she looked beautiful in Dawson's arms; the arms of her soulmate. He felt his body shaking before he was even fully aware of his anger. Anger that he was in love with someone who would never return his feelings. He watched as she lay her head on his shoulder. They seemed so close, like there was some incredible secret between them.

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"She's dancing with Chris again?" Dawson asked returning from the bathroom and sitting down next to Pacey.

Pacey removed his eyes from the couple he hadn't realized he was staring at. "Yeah I guess so."

Chris's hand was lightly stroking the back of her neck. He was whispering something in her ear. His other hand was lightly resting on her back, just slightly above her butt. What was she doing? Right in front of him? Right in front of Dawson? How could she be so selfish?

"Pace, could you please go cut in?" Dawson asked watching the way Chris's hand was possessively roaming Joey's back.

He glanced around looking for an excuse to say no. Andie was nowhere to be found, and the only other person at the table was Jen.

Jen laughed. "I'm not cutting in."

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"Jo, are you sure that…"

"Chris… I've got it all figured out."

He softly touched her cheek. "Cuz you know I'd do anything for you."

Joey smiled softly.

"Can I cut in?" Pacey asked struggling to control the anger in his voice.

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Dawson watched in relief as Chris's hands left Joey and were replaced by Pacey's. He was trying so hard not to remember all the rumors about Joey and Chris. They couldn't be true. Joey was his. Tonight he would prove to her how much he loved her.

"Jen, if you really loved someone, and they wanted to do something you didn't want to, would you do it?"

Jen watched Chris as he made his way across the dance floor. He seemed upset, of course. She turned back to Dawson, trying to pretend she was interested.

"Dawson, I think in relationships, sometimes you have to make sacrifices. That's what a relationship is about. If it really means something to her, then you should do it."

Dawson nodded his head. "And maybe if I'm willing to do it, she'll discover that she doesn't want to do it."

Jen nodded her head, watching Chris talking with his friends, not noticing the look in Dawson's eyes.

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Joey felt her body shivering at Pacey's light touch. He was holding her as if she might break. Which was how she felt in his arms; as if she might break. She felt his body slowly relax against her. His hand slowly touch her neck.. Maybe if she just told him everything, maybe everything would be all right.

"Pacey, if something… if something ever happened to me… would you take care of me?"

His body tensed and he removed his hand from her neck. "I think you've already got enough men in your life to do that Joey. There's Dawson, your soul mate, and Chris… well what is he… your fuck mate? I'm glad you replaced me so easily Jo. Wouldn't want you to go without your sex."

"I think you like the fact that Chris is in my life" she said softly, trying to keep the tears from her eyes.

"Don't be ridiculous Joey." His eyes momentarily reflecting the hurt her relationship with Chris had caused.

"Because it allows you to pretend that you and I never had a relationship," she continued.

Pacey took his arms from her waist and looked her in the eyes. "Joey, the only thing you had a relationship with you was my penis. It was just fucking. It was nothing more, nothing less."

She inhaled sharply as she met his angry eyes. Angry eyes that used to look at her with love.

"Fuck you Pacey."

"I think we already tried that," he muttered. He wondered if she could possibly hate him as much as he hated himself at that moment. "It's not an experience I need to re-live anytime soon. So it's a good thing Chris was ready for the job. So glad I was able to fix you so you could fuck whoever you wanted. Tell me Jo, when he fucks you, does he make you scream like I did?"

She closed her eyes. And momentarily she heard nothing. Not a single sound. When she opened her eyes all she saw was Pacey's retreating form.

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Dawson looked up as Joey approached him, tears in her eyes. "Can we get out of here? I just really want it to be you and me tonight."

Dawson smiled as he grabbed his jacket, not noticing the tears in her eyes. "Yeah me too."

Joey walked over to Jen and bent down and hugged her tightly. "Bye Jen. You're a great friend, you know. Tell Andie I said bye too, okay?"

She linked her arm through Dawson's and they walked away leaving Jen with a puzzled look on her face.

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"I love you Joey," Dawson whispered as he unzipped her dress. She felt it fall to the ground, she felt the alcohol burn her throat and stomach, she felt his touch, she felt the cold air, she felt the gravel digging into her back as she lay against it, she felt Dawson's breath against her as he whispered he loved her, she felt the tears rolling down her face, she felt everything; she felt nothing.

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"Pace, is everything okay with Joey?" Jen asked as Pacey sat down at the table.

Pacey's red and swollen eyes met Jen's. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know Pacey. Something just seemed wrong. The way she said goodbye to me, it seemed so final."

Pacey shrugged his shoulders. "I don't understand a single thing that goes through that girl's head. She's probably just high. Go have fun Jen."

She couldn't shake the feeling that the conversation she just had with Joey would be her last.

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Dawson could hear his heart beating as he watched Joey dress. "Jo your back is bleeding, why didn't you tell me I was scraping your back."

"It doesn't matter," she said tightly, as she reached into the backpack and extracted the guns. She handed one to Dawson.

"Are you sure you want to do this Dawson?" she asked watching his hand shake as he took the gun. "You have everything to live for."

He nodded his head. "I have you to live for. If this is what you want; if this is what will make you happy, then I'm doing it with you."

She unlocked the safety and Dawson followed her.

"Jo, are you sure you don't want to wait. I mean maybe things will be different at UCLA. Maybe…"

"I never sent in my acceptance." Her voice was calm and cool. "There was no need to."

Dawson swallowed, suddenly realizing just how serious she was.

"Jo, I'm sure you could still get in. Just give it six months… if you're still unhappy then we can…"

"We can't Dawson. I'm pregnant."

Dawson felt the gun slipping out of his hand as he allowed the impact of her words to hit him. He quickly grabbed it.

"You're pregnant?"

She nodded her head, her fingers lightly caressing the gun, her eyes refusing to meet his .

"It's not mine." He said flatly. "It's Chris's?"

She shook her head. "No."

"No? Who else were you sleeping with?"

She could taste the bitter words before they left her mouth.

"It was Pacey's"

"What?" Dawson asked, his face contorting in anger. "You slept with fucking Pacey?"

She nodded her head carefully. "I'm so sorry Daw…"

"How long. How long have you been fucking him?" he demanded, his eyes cold.

"On and off for the entire past year," she mumbled.

A strange mixture of a sob and a growl came out of Dawson's mouth. "So the entire time I sat by waiting, because you were too fucking damaged to have sex; you were fucking him? Was what you told me even true?"

"I told you Bodie tried to rape me. Because I couldn't tell you that he actually did," she said softly.

"What part of my reaction made you think you had to lie to me? What did I ever do to you that wasn't exactly what you asked for? I loved you! Why Jo, why? Why him and not me?" Dawson begged, spreading his arms wide in frustration.

"I don't know Dawson. I wanted it to be you. You'll never know how badly I wanted to feel the right way about you…" she looked up at him, his cold eyes filling her with a strange chill.

"So is this all about him? You want to die because he's moved on? Fuck you Joey. I was ready to die with you."

"No it's not about him. It's about me. I always wanted to be who you thought I was. But I just can't be. There's no reason for me to be here anymore. Just go Dawson. You still have your life to live."

"My entire fucking life is a lie Joey. I thought you loved me. I thought we were going to get married. I thought that I could trust you. Let's do this Jo. I couldn't fuck you good enough, but I bet I can do this good enough."

"I did love you," she said softly.

He pulled her close to inhale the scent of her hair one last time.

"I love you," he whispered.

"Still?"

"Until the day we die."

As he pulled away from her, she raised her eyes to meet his. And that's when she knew. He was really ready to do this with her. She met his eyes and took a step back. His eyes were full of anger and hatred. She heard her breath heavy and uneven. She tasted blood as she realized how hard she was biting down on her lip. Dawson shook as he took the gun and aimed it at her stomach.

For a brief moment she thought she'd imagined it. Imagined the hatred that she saw in his eyes.

She reached her hands down as she felt the blood pouring out of her. Dawson's eyes widened as he watched her. He took the gun and held it against his head and pulled the trigger. Joey heard a loud noise and it took her a full minute before she realized the sound she was hearing was the sounds of her own scream.

 **Now**

Joey placed a note on her bed, picked up her backpack and slowly walked towards Dawson's room. Or the shell of Dawson. The shell of the boy she loved. She walked over to his bed and lightly kissed him on the forehead.

"I loved you Dawson. I never lied about that."

She took one last look at him; one last look at the machines keeping him alive. She couldn't live like this. She couldn't watch him not live.

She closed the door behind her and didn't look back.

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"Hey, thank you for coming," she said walking over to his car.

He nodded, a slight smile on his face. "I'm glad you called. You know this isn't going to fix anything, right?"

She shrugged as she got into the car. "I know, but it's a start."


	20. Chapter 20

Not sure if there's interest in me posting this - if I get some feedback I'll continue.

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**5 Years Later**

He glanced up from his paper as she walked over to him.

"You coming to bed?" she asked leaning down and kissing him on the cheek, her long hair brushing against his neck.

He nodded slowly. "I don't know Potter, are you gonna make it worth my while?"

She laughed and quickly pulled up her shirt, giving him a full view of her naked breasts.

"If you want it, come and get it," she whispered in her best Marilyn Monroe impersonation dropping her shirt and running out of the room.

He shook his head as he dropped his paper on the floor and ran after her.

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"God Jo, you feel so incredible," Pacey whispered, his fingers trailing the length of her naked back. She shivered as she brought her breasts against his chest and slowly ran them up and down it.

"Do I?"

"You feel so… god damn … incredible," he panted as he thrust in and out of her.

"Pacey, Pacey, Pacey," he froze as he met her eyes. Something seemed wrong. Each time she spoke her voice sounded more and more like Andie's. He awoke with a start. To Andie, tossing her bag on the bed and furiously filling it with clothes.

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Chris closed his eyes as he moved between Joey's legs, covering her neck with kisses.

"I love you Jo," he whispered as she bucked against him.

"God Chris," she whispered wrapping her legs tightly around him. "I love you too."

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"I was talking in my sleep again?" Pacey asked sitting up and ducking as she hurled a shoe at his head.

"You could say that," Andie lashed out bitterly.

"Jo – Andie, I'm sorry," he stuttered watching her as she packed up the life they shared together into a suitcase.

"God Pacey, I'm sick of this. I can't do this anymore."

"It's just cuz the reunion's coming up – so she's been on my mind."

Andie closed the suitcase with a loud bang and glared at him. "So what's new? She's always on your mind. Everything you do is for her."

"Andie, that's not…"

"Your job, your volunteer work… it's all a shrine to her."

Pacey sighed as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "Andie." He reached out his hand and took hers.

"I thought if I stuck around for long enough you'd move on. But you obviously can't. I'm just done Pacey. It hurts too much. If you love me, you'll let me walk out that door."

She met his eyes, hers full of tears.

He slowly dropped her hand.

"I love you Andie," he whispered.

She kissed him lightly on the cheek, closed her suitcase and walked out of the room.


	21. Chapter 21

Anyone interested in an update on this one?

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Joey folded and unfolded the invitation in her hands.

"There's no way I can go. I just can't face everyone. You know that!"

"You sure Jo? Maybe it would make you feel better. Everyone asks about you all the time."

"I think reunions are more your thing then mine anyway. I'm glad you called though, it was nice talking to you."

"It was nice… oh hey… Jen's home. You want to say hi?"

Joey felt the invitation slip from her hands.

"What are you doing at Jen's this late?"

The silence on the other end of the phone was deafening.

"Andie?"

"I left him Jo."

Joey swallowed, the right words nowhere to be found. "Um.. Andie… I gotta go… Chris just walked through the door and he's got groceries."

Andie accepted the lie. "I hope you'll change your mind Joey. I would love to see you there, Joey. We all would."

Joey put the phone down on the table, her hands shaking so much she couldn't hang it up. She picked up the invitation, rolled it up into a ball and tossed it in the trash. She leaned her back against the wall and slid down to the ground.

"Jo?" Chris asked walking into the room. He walked over to the phone and placed it on the hook. "Who was on the phone? You okay?"

She shook her head. "No one. I'm fine."

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"Is she coming?" Jen asked.

Andie shook her head and put her glass of wine on the table. "Of course not."

"Did you really want her to?" She uncorked the bottle of wine and filled Andie's glass to the top.

"I hate it when you know just what to ask. I miss him, Jen. I miss him so much. Part of me thinks that if they just see each other they'll realize it ended a long time ago. He'll stop clinging to the past and finally want a future… with me."

Jen reached her hand out and put it on top of Andie's. "Andie, I think you did the right thing walking away. You and I both know Pacey's a great guy. But you deserve better than what he has been giving you."

"I know... I know. I'm going to head up to bed."

Andie stood up and started towards the door. She stopped and put her hand to her head, leaning against a counter.

"You okay An?"

"Yeah I'm fine, I just got really dizzy."

Pacey swallowed the burning whisky as he sat down at the kitchen table, staring at a photo of Joey. The emptiness of the room seemed to echo. Cursing himself, he tossed the worn photograph of Joey onto the floor. He watched as the picture slowly floated to the floor.

He thumbed through the mail, usually Andie's job, not even reading the envelopes. He paused as one envelope caught his attention; it was addressed to Andie in a familiar scrawl, with no return address. He nervously glanced around the room, as if she might somehow still be there watching him.

He ripped open the envelope, haphazardly so that later he could claim he didn't notice who it was addressed to. He unfolded the letter slowly, his vision blurring as he realized whose handwriting it was. As he realized that Andie had known where Joey was this entire time.


	22. Chapter 22

A quick update since I've gotten a couple of reviews on this one :) CharlieC - I'm still writing - just not very quickly.

If you want more - leave me a note!

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Chris peeked in the living room, and smiled at the site of Joey and her friend Jane curled up on the couch next to each other. He put a bag on the kitchen counter and quietly opened it, pulling out a small box and sliding it into his pocket. He took the bag and bent over the trashcan to bury the Belden's Jewelry bag.

As he jammed the bag into the trash he noticed a balled up invitation on the top. He picked it up and unfolded the piece of paper. The wording blurred as he stared at the writing, 'Jo, I know your answer is no – but I just wanted to let you know when it was – love Jen'. His eyes quickly scanned the invitation; there was a high school reunion tomorrow, Jen knew where they were, and Joey had shared none of this with him.

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Joey looked up as Chris walked into the room.

"Hey hon," she said smiling up at him.

He tossed the invitation on the table in front of her.

"You weren't going to tell me, were you?"

Joey glanced over at Jane. "Chris – I…"

"And you're writing Jen? What else are you keeping from me?"

She didn't dare meet his eyes, as he sighed frustrated and walked out of the room.

She turned to Jane. "I think I'm in trouble."

"What was that all about?" Jane asked, her eyes wide. "I've never, ever, seen the two of you fight."

Joey picked up the invitation and lightly touched the outside. "High school reunion."

Jane nodded. "And he's going to be there?"

Joey froze and pursed her lips together. "It's got nothing to do with that," she said tightly, glancing towards the closed bedroom door. "I gotta go talk to Chris."

Jane nodded, and picked up the bowl of popcorn. "I'll put this in the kitchen on my way out. Call me tomorrow and let me know if everything is okay."

Joey nodded as Jane left the room. She jammed her shaking hands into her pockets, and walked into the bedroom.

Chris was sitting in the dark, without seeing or hearing him she could feel his anger. She flung her arms around him, clinging tightly. He resisted at first and then wrapped his arms around her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, feeling the tears prick at her eyes. "I just, things are so perfect. There's no need to go back there. We have a life here, together, just the two of us."

"Jo," he softly smoothed her hair. "When you and I left, I left a lot of people behind. I thought you had too. I never imagined that you would be in contact with Jen."

"I should have told you," she murmured, slowly un-tucking his shirt.

"Jo, I want to talk about this," he said hoarsely as she removed his shirt. She looked up at his and smiled as her hands went to his zipper.

"Jo."

"Later."

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Pacey swallowed the shot the bartender gave him, holding the letter close to him. He'd read the words so many times they were burned in his mind. The words that said absolutely nothing. The words that gave him no clue as to how she was.

 _Hey Andie, Thanks for your letter and the pictures. I'm glad to hear that you're happy, and it was really nice seeing you._

"I need another shot," Pacey slurred holding out his money to the bartender.

 _You're a loser Pacey_

"Huh?" Pacey asked, spinning around in his chair. There was no one behind him.

"Pacey, go home." The bartender said, as he slid the shot across the table. "This is your last one."

Pacey swallowed the shot – not even feeling the alcohol.

 _You're too good for her._

He swung his chair around in time to see a blond man leaving through the door. He dropped some money on the bar, not bothering to wait for his change, and ran after the man.

It was raining lightly outside as he burst onto the street. He couldn't see anyone. He stumbled as he turned left and right and then fell into into the street.

 _You worthless piece of shit. You betrayed me, you betrayed her, you betrayed everyone._

He opened his eyes slowly. He knew that voice. Through blurred vision he could make out a gentleman standing by a cab. He stood up and staggered over to the man and grabbed his wrist tightly.

"Dawson?"

The man turned and looked at him. "Excuse me? Do I know you?"

Everything was spinning as Pacey met the eyes of someone who looked nothing like Dawson.

 _Loser_


End file.
